Moral Militia

It's official - I'm a robot

2008-02-18T21:29:00.004+13:00

I just spent the last few seconds in sheer terror, not knowing whether to believe my own eyes. Staring at me from my computer screen was this:

Google encountering a server error? Could it really be true? Stunned, I fumbled around in the dark (and that's not just a metaphor - the light bulb in my room is shot) for a while, frantically typing search terms into my Google toolbar on Firefox, my pulse quickening. What had I done? I tried praying, I tried smashing my keyboard repeatedly, but nothing worked. Then, just as quickly as it happened, everything went back to normal. Google was back online. Like a lost child at a supermarket, I had found my mother again.

Only one thought got me through the 20 second ordeal - as bad as the situation was, I knew it could have been worse. It could have been Wikipedia.

Misleading headline redux

2007-08-25T17:33:00.000+12:00

Scientists give birth to a blackbuck, claims the Deccan Herald. Now, either they're handing out degrees to endangered species, or Mommy's been upto some mischief.

My life....in flowchart form

2007-08-21T21:57:00.000+12:00

Heh. Via BoingBoing

That burning sensation...

2007-08-20T20:00:00.000+12:00

Is it just me, or are we on fire?

Not exactly what you want to see at an airport, but thankfully no one was injured. China Airlines even found a way to put a positive spin on it:

"Everything was normal, including take-off and landing, until the pilots were told the airplane was on fire," China Airlines spokesman Johnson Sun said.

Right, so the takeoff and landing went great - the only hitch was the raging inferno in the back. I guess if no one had told the pilots about the fire the flight would have been a resounding success.

Long time no see

2007-08-04T19:25:00.000+12:00

.....and we're back. Hope you enjoyed the commercials. The world has changed a bit since I last posted - Manchester United are the champions of England again (come on you Reds!), the iPhone has been released (finally, a $600 touchscreen!), Paris Hilton got herself in and out of jail, the Simpsons made their big screen debut (and it was a huge disappointment), and I finally moved out of Auckland....to Christchurch.

Why move to Klanville, I hear you ask? Some time in 2005 I'd had enough of engineering, so I decided to become a pilot. Here I am, two years later, in Christchurch - a city deader than Auckland. On the bright side, I'm not going to get too distracted by anything other than breathing for the next year.

The school itself is excellent - it's a well-maintained facility with a large fleet of training aircraft, and it's based at Christchurch International Airport, so we get the opportunity to train in controlled airspace, which is actually a little daunting at first. The course started in April, and I've been flying since May, but I don't have too many pictures. The first month was spent in ground school, passing our PPL (Private Pilot Licence) theory papers and counting down the days till our first flight. When it finally did happen, it was awesome:

The above picture is me taking off for the first time. I was so nervous that I pulled back a little too far on the controls and almost stalled the plane on takeoff. Lucky for me my instructor took control and we climbed out pretty easily. I've since given her more than a few scary moments, but I think it's good life experience for her. By the end of this course I'm aiming to age my instructors at least 5 years.

Apart from the recent exodus of instructors, the school's been pretty good so far - one of this city's few redeeming qualities. Then again, I might be a bit blinkered. Having lived in Auckland for eleven years, I kind of started to settle in. Christchurch is a whole new story. Different climate, different people, different attitudes. It might take a while to get used to some things, but I hope not to get used to everything, like the subtle racism one encounters here every once in a while. Overall, the city hasn't been too shabby to me, but it's hard not to think about what's been left behind.

Anyway that's my personal rant for the day. I'll try to post something interesting later. That is, if anyone still reads this blog.

The Return of the Hoff

2007-03-16T04:14:00.000+13:00

Is there anything this man can't do? Give him a green screen and the world's worst special effects and he gives you gold.

Germany salutes you, Mr. Hasselhoff. The rest of us are too busy rolling around laughing.

The PS3 song

2007-02-28T08:36:00.000+13:00

Concluding the trilogy of nerd-themed posts, here's some guy's ode to the PS3:

Dell cares about lazy consumers

2007-02-28T07:56:00.000+13:00

Dell's decision to consult their customers on how they could improve their products has thrown up some interesting results. Top of the wishlist at Idea Storm are pre-installed Linux, OpenOffice and Firefox, which leads me to only one conclusion - Dell users are the laziest people on Earth. With the exception of installing Linux, most of their wishes could be fulfilled by taking an hour out of their DotA-filled day to download OpenOffice and Firefox and mod them as they liked. But then again, why bother when Uncle Dell is offering to pre-install all those little goodies for a niche market?

I have nothing against Linux, but so far it hasn't proven that it is ready for a mass-market release. Sure, once you've installed all the packages and got it set up it's pretty adequate, but any computer manufacturer looking to sell it as a pre-installed OS has a mammoth task ensuring it'll be compatible with popular hardware. Moreover, Linux can be daunting for the casual user, a demographic I'm not certain has been fairly represented on Idea Storm. Dell's expected profits from this move must reflect the limitations of the as yet nascent Linux market.

At first glance, it may look as if the company is making progress towards recapturing the market share it lost to Hewlett Packard and doing so in a fresh and innovative, almost Apple-esque fashion. Unfortunately, of all the ideas they could have chosen to implement first, they chose the easiest and least effective one. Improving customer service, making their laptops more energy-efficient, more memory for the same price, continued support for Windows XP - these are the issues Dell should be looking at. Like it or not, Windows users far outnumber Linux and Mac OSX users, and not everyone is currently ready to take the plunge into the unknown world of Windows Vista. Rather than forcing consumers who buy their high-performance PCs to switch to Vista, Dell should offer the option of installing Windows XP Home/Professional at reduced cost.

Perhaps there is more to come from Dell, but one can't help feeling they are only paying lip service to the actual needs of their customers.

Gets me every time

2007-02-03T16:35:00.000+13:00

It's always a good time for a Microsoft joke, especially if it's created by the employees of the world's largest software corporation. Enjoy.

This is one job I definitely don't want

2007-01-30T01:53:00.000+13:00

I wonder who'll draw the short straw on this one - the obstetrician or the husband? I sure as hell wouldn't want to tell a pregnant woman she's a little on the chubby side. Terming it a "serious public health time bomb" is hardly helping.

The taming of the beauty queen.

2007-01-30T01:08:00.000+13:00

Pearls of wisdom from Amitabh Bachchan. It turns out Aishwarya Rai is 'domesticated', which must be quite a relief. The last thing you want is one of those feral girls who go around pooping on your expensive carpet and attacking the neighbours.

A man of his word

2007-01-30T00:29:00.000+13:00

Well I promised Kris I'd blog by the end of the night, and being a man of my word, I only missed my deadline by 33 minutes, so I'll consider that a promise sorta kept.

Um, what else...I've been busy so I haven't blogged as much as I'd have liked to. I did learn something while I was away though - if you're an aspiring blogger, don't read Scott Adams's blog. There is no way one feels like blogging after watching a true master at work. That is sadly one of the main reasons I've been away for so long, wallowing in a pit of despair as Adams continues to churn out masterpiece after masterpiece. DAMN YOU, SCOTT!

In your face, Chiang Kai-Shek!

2006-12-17T23:42:00.000+13:00

I was as surprised as anyone when I learned I had been voted Time Magazine's Person of the Year for 2006. After all, no one expects to win awards for sitting on their rapidly expanding backsides for 22 years, but I'm not complaining. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to join the esteemed ranks of Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Nikita Krushchev, The Computer, George W. Bush and Middle America.

All-pervasive religion

2006-12-15T23:05:00.000+13:00

The BBC reports on the inevitable controversy caused by Left Behind: Eternal Forces, the latest attempt by the church to project a 'cool' and 'hip' image of religion. The piece is pretty much par for the course - liberals calling the game a recruitment tool for religious warfare, with conservatives countering that liberals aren't very good Christians and fully deserve to burn in the depths of Hell for all eternity. Like I said, par for the course.

However, Left Behind: Eternal Forces isn't the only religious video game doing the rounds. The Global Islamic Media Front refuses to be - for lack of a better term - left behind its sworn enemy. They have released a game called Quest for Bush, in which players aim to kill the US president. With a title like that, it could very well have involved a bunch of sex-starved college freshmen looking for some luuurve, but as it turns out, the game is a straight shoot-em-up and the only bushes involved are Dubya and some shrubbery. Sources say the title's literal translation from Arabic is 'Night of Bush Hunting', which to be honest is just as bad, if not worse.

Oh to be young and stupid - REAL stupid

2006-12-11T23:27:00.000+13:00

The passing years tend to mature the vast majority of us, however hard we may try to hold onto the last vestiges of our youth. From personal experience, 21 is a peculiar age - not quite old enough to discuss the wider socio-political consequences of paper production in Southern Latvia, and not quite young enough to hang out with teenagers. It's an age of deep introspection, a unique opportunity to compare the lives we once had with the lives we are about to embark on, Latvian paper industry and all. Quite often I see today's teenagers doing things that neither my peers nor I would ever have dreamed of, dismissing it immediately as immature and stupid. Yet it wasn't that long ago that we ourselves belonged to that group of immature kids. Surely times haven't changed that much?

That's when I read the New Zealand Herald and found that underage drink driving is still very much in fashion amongst today's teens. Tragic it may be, but it also provided a degree of perverse reassurance. While I was too lazy to actually get a licence during my own years as a hormone-heavy pimple monster, and therefore unable to take part in this most hallowed of rituals, I knew my fair share of drunk drivers. Of course, none of them actually had any accidents. Not quite the case this time. Sixteen year old Rae Rae (!) didn't just crash his car into a lamp post following a police chase, he also managed to injure his sister and girlfriend in the process. I'm not quite sure what he was expecting, driving at 180 km/h in a 50 km/h zone, but he soon found out that lamp posts are, well, pretty solid. Still, I'm sure he has learned from his mistake. No more drinking and driving for you, right Rae Rae?

"I would do it again but with no-one in the car besides me. I would drink and drive again with just me in the car," Rae told National Radio.

See? No more drinking and....WHAAAAAAAAA? So a police pursuit at 180 km/h, followed by a crash, an engine fire and severe injuries to your loved ones isn't enough to deter you from driving drunk? Man, your mum is going to be so pissed.

Rae's mother told National Radio she gave her son alcohol and would not be punishing him.

"Every time I told him not to drink too much but he don't listen. He ignore it," she said.

"I don't blame him because he was working hard. He needs something to relax."

Oh for Pete's sake lady, throw me a bone! I've got nothing to work with! You know a glass of warm milk can be just as relaxing, right? And research suggests it might actually be a wee bit better for the young lad than copious amounts of booze. What he needs to relax him now is a good ol' fashioned ass-whooping.

Holocaust conference opens

2006-12-11T23:19:00.000+13:00

A conference that will examine whether or not the Holocaust really happened is underway in Iran. The two-day summit is to be followed by a debate titled "Babies - Where Do They Come From?"

Side note: It's good to be back blogging after a lengthy break. I could try and explain why I've been away, but Scott Carney has already done it for me.

If you're desi and you know it clap your hands!

2006-11-16T02:59:00.000+13:00

I would have expected this of Indian Airlines or Air India, but not Jet Airways. Shocking customer service.

God's foreign policy

2006-11-15T03:50:00.001+13:00

From the New York Times:

He[Rev. John Hagee] called the conflict “a battle between good and evil” and said support for Israel was “God’s foreign policy.”

The next day he took the same message to the White House.

Many conservative Christians say they believe that the president’s support for Israel fulfills a biblical injunction to protect the Jewish state, which some of them think will play a pivotal role in the second coming. Many on the left, in turn, fear that such theology may influence decisions the administration makes toward Israel and the Middle East.

A biblical injunction, you say? Man, I guess those early Christians were reading it all wrong then, what with the burning and the massacres and all. They must feel pretty stupid right now.

Pardon this momentary lapse (updated)

2006-11-15T03:03:00.002+13:00

Harp on all you want about our 8% annual GDP growth, but until we actively work towards preventing events such as these(1, 2), we may never make true progress. The first story garnered little interest in the mainstream media initially, but spread like wildfire through the blogosphere and eventually sparked a delayed response from the police.

The second story ended with the 8-year-old victim dying of excessive blood loss, while her attacker was spared the noose. The ToI report makes for a nauseating read:

...it had serious doubts about fastening the murder charge on the accused. "The death occurred not as a result of strangulation but because of excessive bleeding," the Bench said quoting the doctor’s report, which noted that at that age, a girl has two litres of blood in the body and as she had bled half-a-litre of blood, it was enough to cause death from shock.

"The death occurred, therefore, as a consequence of, and not because of, any specific act on the part of the accused," said Justice Sinha, writing the judgment.

And that is how a child rapist can escape the noose - by claiming the poor girl's blood loss was not his intention...only strangulation, which he ended up sucking at. And the last time I checked, the word "consequence" implies causation, so I'm not entirely sure what Justice Sinha - a Supreme Court Justice, no less - is trying to say here. And the next part, in a related report, is the final kick in the teeth for the deceased girl and her family:

The Bench said: "It cannot be said to be a rarest of rare case. The manner in which the girl was raped may be brutal but it could have been a momentary lapse on the part of Amrit Singh, seeing a lonely girl at a secluded place.

"He had no pre-meditation for commission of the offence. The offence may look heinous, but under no circumstances it can be said to be a rarest of rare case."

A momentary lapse. It may be the letter of the law, but surely there is no place for a "momentary lapse" when we are talking about an 8-year-old child being molested by a 30-year-old! That a Supreme Court Justice would even utter those words is shocking enough. If anything, the accused's propensity towards having such momentary lapses around minors should be enough to give him the death penalty.

One could argue that the death penalty may be too harsh, even for a child rapist, in which case it may be time to consider compulsory castration for offenders such as Amrit Singh. Cross-border terrorism and other, more perceivable threats may be of greater importance, but surely we cannot let our most helpless citizens - be they children, women, underprivileged groups, or all of the above - be exploited this way without some serious retribution.

Related: Another story of injustice, this time by the local panchayat in Murshidabad, near Calcutta. Who gives these kangaroo courts the right to separate families of victims? Not only was the poor woman raped, she was driven out of the village for her 'crime'. The local police have so far done nothing (via Narika's blog).

I recently had a discussion with a friend about the viability of the panchayat system in modern-day India, and an incident such as this just proves my point.

The luuurve boat

2006-11-15T02:38:00.000+13:00

Rich and lonely? Too many uggos on Shaadi.com/Orkut/MySpace/Hi5/Friendster/Bebo? Perhaps you should consider a trip to China, where lonely millionaires are trying to find the brides of their dreams on a river cruise. However, if you're male and want to get on the Love Boat, as some literary mavericks have christened it, you must have at least US$25 million in assets. And it's only fair - rich people have had a hard life, and deserve a break once in a while, as this young(?) man explains:

"I often find pretty women on the street, but many of the women I meet in person are not the kind to win husbands...appearance is most important to me."

Well said, sir. As an engineer, I know all too well the paucity of hotties in the workplace, and I imagine it must be even tougher for you. It's hard enough being rich, with a fast car and a degree from an Ivy League school without having to actually talk to good-looking women on the street. Peasants such as myself, with our social skills and "co-ed schools", have had it far too easy for too long, and it's time someone did something about it! More power to you, sir. I truly hope you find the gold-digger of your dreams.

It's me brain, guv'nor!

2006-11-13T15:25:00.000+13:00

As if the clinically depressed didn't have enough problems already - research suggests their brains might be a little out of whack.

A-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh...

2006-11-11T00:53:00.000+13:00

Maybe it's the (lack of) sleep talking, or perhaps pre-exam stress, but I can't get over this singing hippo! Hee hee hee...look at him go!

Don't judge me.

Now THAT'S a business plan!

2006-11-09T00:51:00.000+13:00

Dude, there's only so much harm the ganja can do. Personal injury and battery are not consequences of using marijuana - they are inflicted upon you when you get caught.

Honestly speaking, this is a great marketing strategy on Burger King's part. Feed the customers, but keep them loyal - the burger takes care of the first part, and the Mary Jane does the rest.

99.9% human, 0.1% animal, 100% pure entertainment

2006-11-09T00:11:00.000+13:00

In a move that is sure to make conservatives choke on their morning coffees, scientists in Britain are awaiting the approval of a licence that will allow them to create hybrid human-animal embyros for stem cell research. Using human cells and animal eggs, the scientists will attempt to create a hybrid that is "99.9% human, and 0.1% animal". According to the article, the first animals to be used in the research will be cows.

Forget the ethics of the matter - I would love to see a human-cow hybrid. I'd name it Ruminator, and instruct it to use its powers for good, and occasionally evil (but mostly good....with minor bouts of evilness). The lawns will practically mow themselves and we'll never have to rush to the store for milk. It really is win-win, and if anyone tries to insult Ruminator by calling its mum a cow, it can just respond by saying "Yes. Yes she is", and proceeding to lay the smackdown on said offenders for the hell of it.

Unfortunately, none of these embryos will ever make it to the womb. Ruminator, sadly, will remain an unfulfilled dream.

The Test

2006-11-08T14:40:00.000+13:00

Every so often there comes a story so laced with irony, dripping as it were with the sweet juices of the comedic staple, that it makes this humble blogger sit up and take notice. Not long ago the title of Most Ironic Event belonged to the Lions of Monotheism, who firebombed churches to protest the Pope's comments linking Islam and...violence. Today (well actually, two days ago), the torch is passed on to my desi brethren.

After finding the entrance test for the police force a mite challenging, several hundred applicants went on a rampage around Ghaziabad, thus ruining any chance they may have had of joining law enforcement any time soon. Politics, on the other hand, seems more enticing than ever for these eager public servants.

But what of the non-rioters? The pacifists who decided it would be better to lodge a complaint and go home? My guess is Ramu (I assume there is only one would-be police officer who doesn't love a good riot, and I have named him Ramu. If you have a problem with that, I know hundreds of Ghaziabadis willing to rampage through your town) went to the Commissioner's office - as you do - and aired his grievances.

Ramu: Sir please sir, I don't think the test was fair...

(a crash is heard as a rock breaks the Commissioner's window)

Crowd outside: Maro! Maro! Commissioner Sahib, hai hai!

Ramu: Is a re-evaluation at all possible?

The commissioner gets up, smiling. A small tear runs down his face. Meanwhile, the crowd continue to chant and throw stuff into the office.

Commissioner(hugging Ramu): That was the test, my boy. Welcome aboard.

(beat)

Commissioner: Now grab a uniform, some tear gas and a lathi. Those rioters aren't going to brutalise themselves.

Hey, it's only a guess.

Link found on The Acorn.

Naked naughty words

2006-11-05T19:16:00.000+13:00

When Scott Adams vents, the world listens.

The Northern Lights

2006-11-03T13:32:00.000+13:00

Beautiful.

Oh no he didn't!

2006-11-02T19:10:00.000+13:00

With the ICC executive meeting just a few days away, Malcolm Speed's comments could not have been worse timed. The chief executive of cricket's governing body intensified the ongoing verbal battle between the ICC and the BCCI, criticising the BCCI's handling of its stakeholders as well as ridiculing the Indian cricket team's international record.

While his comments will no doubt be misconstrued in some quarter s as an attack on India's national identity, Speed does make some pretty valid points - points that are painfully familiar to regular followers of Indian cricket. The Indian board's prioritisation of profit above all - even player welfare - is the world's worst-kept secret. India plays more one-dayers than any other side in the world, often in brutal conditions, such as the 2006 home series against England where both teams had to endure 44 degree heat in Jamshedpur.

And that's just the national team. Conditions for domestic players are worse, with the remuneration far removed from that of their more illustrious counterparts. Contrast that with the systems in Australia, New Zealand and England, where professional players are well taken care of by their state teams and practice facilities aren't nearly as scarce. The end result for Australia has been tremendous, but results should not be an issue when it comes to ensuring the health and safety of players, and that is why I wasn't surprised when Malcolm Speed said what everyone was thinking.

"I have an old-fashioned view," said Speed when asked if the BCCI were using their superior monetary position to flex their muscle. "I judge sports organisations on the basis of three things: 1. How the team performs. 2. How the board looks after its stake-holders in terms of facilities on the grounds, and 3. How well they use resources like population to produce great cricketers."

While I have no problem with point 2 (the facilities at most stadiums are atrocious and will need serious renovation before the 2011 World Cup), but points 1 and 3 seem to be a thinly-veiled effort to kick a team when they are down.

It's a fair assumption that a board can be judged by the performance of its team. The board appoints the coach and selectors who then pick a squad, therefore the onus is on them to produce a winning team. There have been cases in the past where fringe players have been selected on the flimsiest of criteria (see Noel David and the notorious Abhijit Kale case) and predictably failed. Here too it is an indication of the transparency of a cricket board and the fairness of their decisions.

However, not all team failures can directly be attributed to the board. Modern cricket involves loose chains of command, whereby the players are answerable to both the captain and the coach, who have considerable influence over who gets selected in subsequent games. While it is the board's prerogative to select a squad for a tournament, it has no say in picking the final XI, or at least it shouldn't. That is the job of the captain and coach, and it is they who should be responsible for the team's performances, be they good or bad. Unless a squad has been picked without the captain's approval - as was the norm under Sachin Tendulkar's tenure - he must bear the ultimate burden of the team's performance. Tracing a poor showing in a major event back to the board is almost absurd, given the inconsistency of the Indian team and the consistently poor infrastructure of the BCCI. If there is a correlation between the BCCI's treatment of its assets and the team's current form, surely there must have been a correlation between the team's fantastic run between 2002 and 2004 and the state of the BCCI then. As far as I remember, it was just as callous and just as poorly run then as it is now. And it was just as avaricious.

Point 3 seems innocent enough. It is a cricket board's duty to ensure maximised opportunities in the game for aspiring youngsters. This includes setting up affordable practice facilities and academies around the country, marketing the sport (which they are very good at), setting up an efficient scouting network, eliminating corruption from within the enterprise in order to ensure fair selections and above all, ensuring player welfare through decent salaries and housing. The BCCI fails to deliver on all counts except marketing the game - they have no equal there. Unfortunately, very little money from the coffers of the world's richest cricket board actually finds itself reinvested in infrastructure or player welfare. Most stadiums are still well below standard, barring the excellent PCA Stadium in Mohali. International cricketers may travel in luxury buses and live in five-star hotels while on tour, but their cricketing itinerary is amongst the most taxing in the world. Domestic cricketers, as mentioned earlier, live on scraps in the hopes of one day making it into the national side. So all in all, Malcolm Speed seemed to be doing well, until he said this:

"Let us look at New Zealand. They are in the semi-final of the Champions Trophy with a population of four million. They don't have a lot of money, but they are consistent. India last won a [ICC] cricketing event in 1983. I am very sure in 2007 it will be great if India win. It would mean that the power that India has, the population and booming economy, is being reflected in the performance of India. It helps to have money to do that, but it is not always necessary."

The population debate reared its ugly head once more. New Zealand's cricket board may not be overflowing with dollars, but it can hardly be described as cash-strapped. Being a small country and producing so many world-class athletes is indeed a major achievement, but to hold India, a developing nation, to the same standards as that of a developed nation seems a tad unfair. Firstly, sport is woven into the very fabric of Australian and New Zealand - most definitely not the case in India, where there is a greater focus on education. Moreover, New Zealand has excellent training facilities not just for its professionals, but also for the general public. If I wish, I can walk down to the nearest park at any time of the day and practice my bowling in the nets - an impossible scenario in India's major cities, where parks are hard to come by, let alone nets.

That is not to say India lacks top-class training facilities - it's just that the opportunity cost of being able to use them is far higher than it would be in New Zealand, which is why fewer children (as a proportion of the population) join cricket clubs. Breeding a sporting culture is essential to a country's sporting success, and India still lacks that on a large scale. If anything, that makes the efforts of India's sportspeople even more commendable. They managed to rise in spite of the system, not because of it, often for scant reward. Given the infrastructure, Indian sport could finally tap into its vast resource of sportspeople and come to dominate international sport. Unfortunately such a scenario will remain a pipe dream for at least the forseeable future. In the meantime, population cannot be seen as a determining factor when comparing the sporting results of two nations, especially those as disparate as India and New Zealand. If anything, cultural factors and infrastructure have a far greater bearing than population.

Pointing to India's World Cup victory in 1983 seems to me to be a cheap shot. Not only is it a faulty comparison between the two nations, it also serves to belittle the team's performances since that day. Two semi-finals and one final in the World Cup since 1983 as well as a resurgence in both the Test and one-day arenas seem to be conveniently cast aside, in favour of New Zealand's record, which Speed described as 'consistent'. New Zealand's only real consistency since 1983 has been in failing to win a single major event barring the Champions Trophy in 2000. Maybe that's an unfair assessment - New Zealand's performances have consistently been far above what most people expected, but Speed's comments are simply ridiculous. India may be an inconsistent team, but that does not necessarily reflect on the BCCI. For all their inconsistency, they have won far more major honours than New Zealand in the same time period, and remain a formidable side in spite of their horrendous recent form.

Malcolm Speed may have just incited the wrath of not just the BCCI, but also the Indian public. It's rather unfortunate, because he raises some questions that we ourselves should have put forth to the board, but by resorting to cheap baiting he may have just shot himself in the foot. The stage is set for one of the most tense ICC executive meetings ever. Guy Fawke's Day will most definitely deliver on the fireworks this year.

Welcome to Bengaluru

2006-11-01T23:57:00.000+13:00

As of today, Bangalore no longer exists, after the city's name has been changed to Bengaluru. Nothing major here - India's cities have been changing their names regularly for the last 10 years. Bombay became (shudder) Mumbai, Madras became Chennai and Calcutta became Kolkata. However, while previous name changes represented an anti-colonial backlash, this one has taken place with a view toward tourism. That is, if you believe the Karnataka Home Minister, M P Prakash, who said:

"English people could not pronounce it properly, we want to correct these things. By November 1 such orders will be given and hereafter, it will be known as Bengaluru..."

Now I don't mean to be a wet blanket here, but how exactly will our Western cousins find "Bengaluru" easier to say than "Bangalore"? They're having enough trouble with our first names - let's not burden them with tongue-twisting cities! It was great fun watching them struggle to book tickets to Vishakhapatnam, Thiruvanathapuram and Vadodara (which we still call Baroda when their backs are turned), but the joke's wearing thin now. Can we quit wasting taxpayers' money on such fatuous pursuits and actually invest it back into society? State governments have been so infatuated with their hopelessly rose-tinted notions of pre-colonial India that they seem to think nothing of spending crores of rupees debating and eventually implementing name changes. There's no end in sight either, with Mangalore, Belgaum and others also renamed today.

Iraqi insurgents focussed on the mid-term elections

2006-11-01T03:38:00.000+13:00

Dick Cheney reckons the increase in attacks in Iraq is an attempt by insurgents to "break the will of the American people" and influence the outcome of the mid-term elections. The BBC reports:

Pentagon spokesman Eric Ruff has echoed the vice-president, saying that the militants are trying to "increase opposition to the war and have an influence against the president".

To be fair, they don't really have to try too hard. The CIA and White House are doing a fine job of that, thank you very much. But Dick Cheney sees no reason not to remain alert to the dangers posed by these propaganda-propagating, jihad-encouraging, mid-term-following insurgents (seriously? The mid-terms? Have some pride, guys!). In fact, with the proliferation of the internet, the threat has grown.

"There isn't anything that's on the internet that's not accessible to them. They're on it all the time. They're very sophisticated users of it," Mr Cheney said.

Leaving aside the fact that Cheney didn't provide any evidence to back up his statement, I wouldn't be too worried about it. Being on the internet all the time can mean only one thing - a porn addiction (relax - the link is safe). And being a 'sophisticated' user just means they know where to find the good porn. Maybe we can get Ted Stevens to explain the nuances of the Internet to Dead Eye Dick. I'm sure the insurgents are already familiar with Stevens' Laws of Tubes.

Seriously though, how sophisticated do you need to be to use Google? And where have I heard these comments before? Oh right.

KFC, now with 10% less death

2006-11-01T03:11:00.000+13:00

KFC will stop using trans-fatty acids in its food from next April. That's great, but their chicken will still taste vile. Eleven herbs and spices my ass (unless you count flour and oil as a spice). Besides, I don't think health nuts will be making a beeline for KFC on the back of this bold health drive any time soon. As far as the 300+ pound demographic is concerned, if trans-fatty acids didn't matter before, they sure as hell ain't gonna matter now.

Ah, democracy

2006-11-01T02:27:00.000+13:00

How bad do you have to be to lose an election to a dead person? John Ashcroft lost his US Senate seat to the late Mel Carnahan in 2000, and now Katherine Dunton has been re-elected to the Aleutian Region School District board, 28 days after dying of cancer. Dunton ended up retaining her seat on a coin toss, after her opponent called incorrectly. This was in accordance with State law, as both candidates ended up with 19 votes, although I wonder what would have happened if the law said the incumbent had to call the toss.

Morons

2006-11-01T01:37:00.000+13:00

In what can only be described as a collective brainwave, district authorities in Meerut, Karnal and Sahranpur have demanded that cellular operators shut down all mobile services on exam and election days in an attempt to prevent cheating. Perhaps someone needs to introduce these good folks to the wonders of cell phone detection.

Link via India Uncut.

Just about the most innovative approach to conservation...ever

2006-10-29T01:37:00.002+13:00

Conservation efforts not working? Too many animals being "bumped off" in "unfortunate accidents"? Eugene LaPointe suggests we legalise hunting to, well, boost animal numbers. I'm not really qualified to comment on the matter - my knowledge of the extent of poaching and elephant populations in Africa is limited at best - but I found it intriguing nevertheless. Of course, any attempt to legalise trophy hunting will need strict regulations and monitoring of animal populations, as it is likely that we may see a sudden drop in the number of exotic species if the park owners are not vigilant.

The potential benefits are mostly economic - the park would be able to provide employment for native residents while commanding high hunting fees for those involved. It could also boost tourism, but at the possible cost of further endangering some species. The money would be expected to be used for conservation efforts, although critics have cast doubt over how much would actually trickle down to the park.

While contrasting Kenya's protectionist policy with South Africa's more open view towards hunting, LaPointe fails to account for habitats and the political climate, which could be deciding factors in the success of a conservation effort. Moreover, it has been pointed out by some that it is likely that hunters will focus on the fittest and most biologically desirable members of the species, thus resulting in a more limited gene pool for the species. This may not be a problem in Botswana or South Africa, where elephant numbers are booming, but it could have disastrous implications for Kenya, which has a much smaller elephant population and is struggling with poaching as it is.

What LaPointe is really suggesting is sustainable hunting, which would protect the current population and boost the country's economy. However, ensuring sustainable use of the National Park's resources itself requires great effort and resources, which may not be available in Kenya. It's not a bad idea, but one must look into its feasibility before embracing it as a panacea for conservation efforts.

Of course, Dick Cheney couldn't care less about elephants. He's still going for the prize kill - 78 year old men. Rumour has it he might settle for "peppering" their facial region.

Ah, the internet

2006-10-27T15:48:00.000+13:00

I was browsing through Kabaddi.org (as you do), and stumbled upon this:

Kabaddi Cops is the remarkable story about a determined group of Canadian police officers from the Toronto area, who take up a 4000 year old sport from India called Kabaddi, in order to bond with the South-Asian immigrant community.

After witnessing a protest over racial profiling in front of Peel Regional Police headquarters in 2002, Inspector Barry Dolan believed sport could ease tensions and promote harmony between police and South-Asians. His method was unorthodox and surprising to everyone who watched.

The Inspector formed a Kabaddi team made entirely of Police officers from his own department, selecting a small group of dedicated young men who knew nothing about the sport and very little about the culture. The team practiced hard on their days off and began competing in tournaments and festivals to the delight of thousands of enthusiastic spectators. In doing so, the Peel Police Kabaddi team became the only non-Asian team anywhere in the world. Their focus was on becoming closer to the community and bridging the gap that often exists between police and immigrants.

Kabaddi Cops is a short documentary in the classic style with the participants telling their story. It begins with a breakdown in relationships between police and a large segment of the community they are sworn to serve. What follows is a unique and progressive display of people rising to the challenge of maintaining harmony in a multicultural urban environment.

Nowhere on earth will you find amore diverse country than Canada and Kabaddi Cops captures the essence of this land - people working together towards a truly inclusive society, overcoming their differences and grievances in a productive and peaceful manner.

Mutha****ing cops playing mutha****ing kabaddi! This'll be the most badass film since Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song (as the title suggests, the song was pretty badass).

Seriously though, how screwed up is Canada if a film about white kabaddi-playing constables "truly captures the essence of the land"? Hell the subject wouldn't even capture India's essence, and we invented the game!

Mind you, if there's any subcontinental game that has the potential to reach out to the average frat boy and become popular in the West, it's kabaddi - semi-naked males trying to touch each other while being wrestled to the ground and beaten to a pulp, all the while holding their breath. American colleges embraced mutated versions of this ancient pastime as fraternity initiation rituals. We went one step further and made it our national sport.

Okay it isn't as bad as I made it sound - it is in fact a rather challenging and demanding sport that requires true athletic ability and has very little to do with American frat culture. I just don't get why we have to play it in our boxers.

For those who are unfamiliar with kabaddi, here's a primer, replete with a crazy Punjabi commentator, who sounds rather like an old uncle playing with a bunch of ten year olds.

"Bilkul Deeeeeee de upar muqabla!"

"Pehlwan-uh! Lagi hoye dooty! [Ed: wtf?] Touch hoya ke nahin? Hone Ppppinder-uh! Haan, hato gabruah!"

"Dekho idhar pase Gurulal!"

Check out the great tag by Jassi from "Trunto" (Toronto) Truck Driving and Repairs at around 1:20 (I'm not making this up). Wah gabruah!

Cold, callous and cruel

2006-10-26T11:49:00.000+13:00

I had meant to post this earlier, but was hampered by a slow internet connection. The clip pretty much says it all. It's one of the few times the world has been fully exposed to the harsh reality of China's occupation of Tibet.

Happy Diwali

2006-10-21T19:28:00.000+13:00

Hope you had a great Diwali. I wish I were in a country where skyrockets were legal. I'll learn to like this well-meaning nanny state, but until then I'll complain about it.

Chaos. Beautiful chaos

2006-10-17T23:59:00.000+13:00

Never a dull day in Pakistani cricket. Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Asif have been sent home for testing positive for nandrolone in a scenario reminiscent of Shane Warne's dismissal prior to the 2003 World Cup. The charge is far more serious this time, however, as the drugs involved were performance-enhancing as opposed to the masking agents used by Warne.

The drug tests were not carried out by the ICC - rather, it was Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer's decision to test 25 players in September, two of whom returned positive tests from WADA 's labs in Malaysia. Unfortunately for Pakistan, those two just happened to be their frontline bowlers, both of whom were recovering from injuries.

In all likelihood, both players will receive two-year bans from all forms of cricket. For Asif, this is merely a setback but for Shoaib, it could mean the end of his career. There are those who argue it could actually prolong rather than curtail it, as in the case of Shane Warne, but the two players are hardly cut from the same cloth. Shoaib thrives on extreme pace, for which he needs to be in peak physical condition. Two years out of the game will rob him of his sting and given Pakistan's plethora of fast bowlers, he will struggle to regain his place in the side once he returns.

Asif is a different proposition altogether. Only 23 years of age, and not as reliant on pace as his superstar colleague, he will most probably be welcomed back to the Pakistani fold once his ban reaches its conclusion. Pakistan are more likely to feel Asif's absence than Shoaib's due to the former's consistency and ability to move the ball both ways off the seam. It's a skill few bowlers can consistently demonstrate, and Asif's ban will be a huge blow to them.

Shoaib Akhtar maintains that he did not knowingly take performance-enhancing substances, and I tend to believe him. Doping regulations are fairly new to cricket, and the game itself is not suited to the übermensch types that one normally associates with drug use. Fast bowlers need to be well-built, but their speed is generated by driving through the hip and the twitch muscles in the abdominal area. Of course, fast bowlers also need strong shoulders and a good approach velocity to the crease to generate extra pace, but otherwise do not need a great deal of bulk to do so. Ajit Agarkar, for example, is a rather small man but manages to bowl between 80 and 90 mph. The point is that most bowlers don't really need extra muscle mass to generate pace. If anything, extra muscle in the wrong areas could hinder a fast bowler rather than help him.

It is quite likely that Shoaib and Asif have both been prescribed drugs by their physios and took them unknowingly. This does not however absolve them from blame. The Pakistan Cricket Board have stated that they regularly update their players on banned substances, thus implying that the two cricketers in question knew what they were doing. Whether this is a case of the board covering its tracks is another matter altogether - the players must accept some of the blame for what they did. Having said that, one cannot realistically expect cricketers, or sportspeople in general, to have an encyclopaedic knowledge of banned substances. They usually delegate the responsibility to the team doctor and in this case, those responsible failed miserably. The ban will affect the players the most, but perhaps some action must be taken against the people who prescribed the banned substances.

I feel their pain

2006-10-16T04:25:00.000+13:00

Seriously, I do. Air India was obviously not responsible for the bird hit that caused their 747 to be grounded at Heathrow airport for two days. They were, however, responsible for the comfort and travel arrangements of their 434 stranded passengers, and once again, they failed miserably. Where most carriers would do their utmost to provide emergency accommodation, or reroute passengers through partner airlines, it appears Air India did the bare minimum.

Normally I would give the airline the benefit of the doubt, keeping in mind that catering to the needs of 434 irate passengers isn't the easiest job in the world, but considering Air India's track record, and my own personal experience with the airline, it is hard not to empathise with the passengers. In 2002, my flight from Bombay to Delhi had to return to Bombay due to heavy fog in Delhi. Fair enough, one cannot help the weather - except Delhi had been fog-bound for the last four days and Air India did not have a contingency plan yet. It was the proverbial fly crashing into a window. I can only assume that planeloads of passengers were constantly ferried from Bombay to Delhi and back again for four consecutive days, and yet the staff appeared surprised every time they saw a fresh group arrive. Being international travellers, no one was allowed to leave the airport to spend the night at home, in spite of most of us (myself included) being Indian citizens. No accommodation or other arrangements were made available, barring a coupon for 'refreshments' i.e. stale chips and some water, and we ended up spending the rest of the night in the departure lounge. In spite of their incompetence, the Air India staff continued to treat customers with contempt, which only angered us further, thus intensifying their contempt, and so on.

Naturally, I missed my connecting flight from Singapore to Auckland, though Air India was good enough to reroute me through Hong Kong to Singapore, finally arriving in Auckland a day later than expected.

And that was when I realised Air India had lost my luggage.

For more air-travel horror stories, check out Sepia Mutiny's piece on a Punjabi-Slovak airline.

Disney says "non" to Mouse orgy

2006-10-16T04:15:00.000+13:00

Personally, I'm surprised Mickey, Minnie and Goofy managed to hold out for almost 70 years. But that's just me.

I should have outgrown this...

2006-10-16T03:55:00.000+13:00

...but I haven't, so sue me. This is one of the funniest headlines I've read in ages:

Karunakaran's party DIC-K to merge with NCP next month

Mmmph...hahahahahahaha. You know, I don't care about the political implications of this merger, except that we won't have any more headlines with 'DIC-K' in them after November 12. In the spirit of the occasion, here's another reference to my favourite political party from the same piece:

Karunakaran formed the DIC-K in May 2005

So, here's to a well-loved DIC-K, whose life was tragically cut short by a sudden and unexpected merger at the tender age of 18 months. The greatest political party of all time shall be sorely missed.

For more phallic jokes, refer to Lund University's extensive library, especially the work of Tiny Lund. Hey, it's not dirty if it's in another language!

You can't be serious...

2006-10-16T03:43:00.000+13:00

Only in India can a monkey attack spark communal tensions. Clearly, his Muslim masters indoctrinated the poor beast to such an extent that he only attacked Hindu children - those devious fiends. Almost makes you think he deserved to be locked in a cage for five years at the local police station, doesn't it? Almost.

The Hindustan Times runs a stereotype-ridden piece in a lame attempt at humour. Watch out for the words 'jihadi', 'terrorist', 'simian fundamentalist' and 'secular' - that's quality reporting with a pinch of irony (note the sarcasm dripping from my own post).

Meh

2006-10-15T23:40:00.000+13:00

Krisann tells me my previous post is boring and could be condensed into five words. So, in the interests of my reader(s) who are not inclined towards cricket, here are those five words:

The Champions Trophy starts today.

Thank you, and good night :-P

P.S. India are carving England up. Fielding first, they have England on the ropes at 74/5. Mind you, Paul Collingwood is at the crease so the game could go either way.

Update 1: England bowled out for 125. The bowlers have done their bit, and hopefully the batsmen will finish the job quickly. A magnificent start for India so far.

Update 2: A comfortable victory in the end, although India made heavy weather of the run chase near the end. The batting remains a concern, but Tendulkar, Yuvraj and Pathan all looked good, even though none of them converted their starts into bigger scores. India will need to prevent middle-order wobbles such as this against Australia, who will punish them without a doubt. The most heartening feature of the match was the return to form of Irfan Pathan, on whom so much depends. A magnificent performance with the ball was followed by a decent innings at the top of the order, playing the sheet anchor role while Tendulkar attacked the bowling.

India will be happy with this start, and they can kick back until October 26, when they play West Indies in Ahmedabad, and are looking good for a place in the semi-finals. England, on the other hand, have it all to do. They must win their next two games if they are to stand any chance of progressing. They play Australia on Saturday, a team they will get to know very well over the course of the summer, with the Ashes and VB Series to follow after the Champions Trophy.

Here we go

2006-10-15T17:35:00.000+13:00

In a few hours - four to be precise - the ICC Champions Trophy will be underway, with hosts India playing England. While both teams will look at this game as a must-win, with tough matches against Australia and the West Indies to come, India will probably be more confident at the outset despite their poor recent one-day form. England return to India on the back of a stirring revival at home but their 5-1 mauling in India earlier in the year must still be fresh in the memory. Since that tremendous series victory, India's fortunes have faltered, losing 4-1 in the West Indies, and then failing to make the final of the DLF Cup in Malaysia - a triangular tournament featuring the other two teams in the group - Australia and the West Indies.

The competition has undergone yet another change in format. What began as a pure knockout competition to whet the public's appetite for the following year's World Cup has rapidly evolved into a parallel World Championship in its own right, with a group stage being introduced in the 2002 edition in Sri Lanka. This was presumably an attempt to cash in further on the success of the 1998 and 2000 tournaments by increasing the number of games played. The change led to the tournament becoming a catalogue of dead, one-sided matches in the opening stages. Each group contained two highly ranked nations, and one that just showed up to make up the numbers. Although it got off to a decent enough start, with South Africa edging the West Indies by two wickets, the rest of the group stage dragged on for another 10 days, with only the India vs England match being of any note, and that too only for Virender Sehwag and Sourav Ganguly's magnificent opening stand of 192 off 28.4 overs. The semi-finals were far more exciting, and the cricket on show was top-notch, but the tournament had lost its earlier sheen, taking far too long to reach its denouement.

The 2004 competition, held in England, was even worse. Inexplicably, the organisers chose to stick with the same format, in spite of its obvious flaws. To compound matters, all the 'dead' matches (Australia vs USA, anyone?) were scheduled for the start of the competition, and the first 'competitive' match - Australia vs New Zealand, took place a full six days after the tournament started. Quite how the ICC planned to maintain spectators' interest through this period is anyone's guess. From that point onwards, the cricket was tense and competitive, and two dark horses - West Indies and England - found themselves in the final. What transpired on that day will forever remain etched in the memories of its protagonists. Finding themselves all but defeated at 147/8 while chasing 218 for victory, tailenders Courtney Browne and Ian Bradshaw rallied to engineer a sensational victory for the West Indies in the fading September light. The victory provided hope for a revival of a once-great team, but subsequent matches would prove that to be a false dawn.

This year, the organisers have once again changed the format, eschewing the bloated twelve team structure for a more practical eight team tournament. The top six Test-playing nations automatically qualified for the group stages while the remaining four played a round-robin qualifying stage, with the top two progressing to the tournament proper. The qualifiers, as expected, were the West Indies and Sri Lanka, who overcame the hardly challenging opposition of Zimbabwe and Bangladesh. At first glance, this format promises to be more exciting than previous attempts. Cutting down the number of groups to two means there will be more games pitting top teams against each other. Each game in the group stage appears to be evenly-balanced, with only the Australia-West Indies pairing offering anything close to a mismatch. Compared to previous years, the race for a semi-final spot will be tighter than ever, and while a straight knockout is probably the ideal format for a tournament such as this, the current structure isn't bad either. And of course, there's the perennial Australia vs England rivalry to look forward to, as well as Australia vs India. Then there's the mouth-watering prospect of an India vs Pakistan or Australia vs New Zealand match in the later stages. All in all, the organisers may have got it right for once. It is now up to the teams to put on a show.

On a personal note, it's great to see Brabourne Stadium reinstated as Bombay's official venue for the duration of the tournament. Bombay cricket should never have moved to the concrete monstrosity that is Wankhede Stadium. Brabourne has a sense of history and grandeur that Wankhede could never have hoped to emulate, and hopefully this move will be a permanent one. Along with Mohali and Eden Gardens, Brabourne ranks up there as one of India's great sporting arenas.

Naturally, Australia enter the tournament with high expectations. The Champions Trophy remains the one competition they have never won, with their best performance being a semi-final appearance in Sri Lanka in 2002. Their one-day record against all three teams in their group indicates that they should go through without too much fuss, though they have never beaten India in this competition, and lost to England in the 2004 edition, although it must be noted that England were playing at home. For all the talk of theirs being an aging side that is over-reliant on the likes of McGrath and Ponting, they are still the best team going around. Their fast bowling is a concern, but the recent emergence of Mitchell Johnson is a good omen for the future of Australian quicks. While they have undeniably been in decline over the last two years, it just means that they have gone from being almost invincible to being beatable on a good day. They may have one eye on the upcoming Ashes series, but should at least progress to the semi-finals, and are good enough to win it for the first time.

England have had a tough time in the one-day arena lately. After losing 3-2 in Pakistan and being hammered 5-1 by India, they appeared to have hit a new low when Sri Lanka travelled to England and smashed them 5-0. In recent times, however, they appear to have regained some of their edge, rallying to draw a home series with an albeit distracted Pakistani side after being 2-0 down. Playing in India is going to be a completely different prospect, however, and that too against teams with the batting prowess of Australia, India and the West Indies. Their pace attack isn't likely to be effective in unhelpful conditions, although their batsmen might help themselves to a few runs on easy batting tracks. England's lack of genuine spin options might be their undoing on subcontinental tracks, and it will take some effort for them to get through this difficult group.

India, as always, begin as the dark horses, in spite of having a massive home advantage. After setting a world record for the most consecutive successful run chases last season - a run which included a 6-1 hammering of Sri Lanka at home, a 2-2 home draw with South Africa, a 4-1 away win over Pakistan and a 5-1 molestation of England at home - they were brought crashing back down to earth by an away defeat to the West Indies by a 4-1 margin at the start of this season. This was followed by a failure to qualify for the final of the DLF Cup in Malaysia, albeit after a narrow defeat to Australia. Of greatest concern was the loss of form of key batsmen, such as Yuvraj Singh and Mahendra Dhoni. Irfan Pathan's sudden downturn in fortunes, both with bat and ball, also affected the team severely. The return of Sachin Tendulkar has provided a huge boost to the team, but the overall combination is still unsettled, especially at the top of the order. Both Virender Sehwag and Rahul Dravid have been tried as openers alongside Tendulkar, with mixed results. The middle order looks good on paper, but is known to collapse when under pressure, which is why a strong opening partnership is vital to India's chances of success. In spite of all their problems, India should be there or thereabouts in the end, as it is telling that most of their recent one-day woes have come away from home. At home, their record is exemplary, and they will take some beating here. Their past performances in this competition (two finals and one semi-final) suggest at least a semi-final spot, and it would be hard to argue with that.

Sri Lanka may not be the greatest travellers, but their recent thrashing of England in England suggests that they may be on the right track. The conditions in India will be very similar to those in Sri Lanka, and the old guard of Jayasuriya, Vaas and Muralitharan should enjoy themselves. Newcomer Upul Tharanga and captain Mahela Jayawardene have been in great form of late, and could be the stars of the tournament. A few of these players will have fond memories of the last major tournament to be held in India - the 1996 World Cup - which Sri Lanka went on to win. The Lankans cannot be written off, and are likely to fancy their chances against New Zealand and South Africa, although Pakistan will be a different prospect altogether. If things go to plan, Sri Lanka should be in the semi-finals.

When listing favourites for a cricket tournament, one team is a virtual ever-present - Pakistan. Blessed with a conveyor belt of supremely talented cricketers, they were often let down by their inability to work as a team, until the arrival of Bob Woolmer as coach. He successfully revived Pakistan's fortunes as a major cricketing force, following their disastrous home defeat to India in 2004. Of course, old habits die hard, and signs of Old Pakistan surface every now and then, most recently in the furore over ball-tampering and captain Inzamam-ul-Haq's suspension, leading vice-captain Younis Khan to first reject and then accept the captaincy for the tournament. This side may not be as blessed as their predecessors, but on their day can dismantle any team. The 2006 Champions Trophy may not be well-timed for them, especially considering the suspension of their captain and top batsman, Inzamam-ul-Haq, and the signs of discontent within the camp. However, Pakistan are nothing if not surprising, and a semi-final place isn't beyond them.

New Zealand are the absolute antithesis of Pakistan - a nation that has produced fewer than ten world-class players in the last three decades, yet manages to consistently punch above its weight. Recently, their fortunes in both Test and one-day matches have dipped as a result of a power struggle between captain and coach. Their players are quite familiar with conditions in India, having played there frequently in the recent past, and that should hold them in good stead. However, looking at their group, there doesn't appear to be much hope for the Black Caps. Unless their players pull off a repeat of their efforts in Kenya 2000, an early exit is on the cards.

One can never discount South Africa or the West Indies. In spite of their dismal loss to Sri Lanka in the qualifying round, the Windies managed to land arguably the easier of the two groups. Their recent record against India is very good, and they also managed to run Australia close in the DLF Cup, so their familiarity with the opponents should give them a chance. They might also back themselves against England, who have been abysmal in the one-day arena. South Africa, on the other hand, will be looking to win the whole competition, although they will have to negotiate a tough group. They have the personnel and experience of Indian conditions, having played there last year, but the only concern will be the ongoing investigations into match-fixing involving Herschelle Gibbs. The last thing the team needs is a distraction, and Gibbs' revelations about past indiscretions by South African players is just that. Even so, they remain a formidable team, capable of beating anyone in their group.

India last hosted a major tournament in 1996 when it co-hosted the World Cup with Pakistan and Sri Lanka. Ten years on, the world's greatest cricketing nations return to whet our appetites for next year's World Cup. Here's hoping for a great show and an Indian victory (screw "fair and balanced" - I'm getting right behind my team!).

England just made my day

2006-10-13T06:39:00.000+13:00

England loss + comical goal = me happy :-D

The more cynical among you would point to India's record in Asian Cup qualifying. Mind you, none of the 10 goals we conceded to Japan over two games were as mirth-inducing as this.

Does it REALLY matter?

2006-10-07T23:53:00.000+13:00

The moral police have found their latest victim - Harbhajan Singh, who appeared in an advertisement with his hair down. Once again, it appears a wardrobe malfunction is all that stands between salvation and and endless cycle of birth, death and rebirth. Seriously speaking, uncut hair may be integral to the Sikh faith for historical reasons, but what Harbhajan Singh does is his own business - he isn't projecting Sikhism in a poor light, nor is he impinging on anyone else's freedom. Conversely, it is the SGPC that is coming off worse by demanding an apology.

Still, if he's damned to an eternity of rebirth, Indian cricket will be well served. If only we could get Sachin Tendulkar and Kapil Dev to commit some heinous crimes against religion...

The media's sense of perspective

2006-10-06T14:11:00.000+13:00

The Mohammad Afzal saga makes me sick. The man has been found guilty of planning the December 13, 2001 attacks on the Indian Parliament, yet the media finds it necessary to report on every bleeding-heart story in favour of his clemency. Here's the latest piece of drivel, in the finest tradition of gut-wrenching soap opera rhetoric that our mainstream media has become famous for:

Afzal Guru, the man who faces capital punishment in the Parliament attack case, had a special petitioner who knocked on the President’s door to save his life. His seven-year-old son Ghalib accompanied Guru’s wife Tabassum to Rashtrapati Bhawan, requesting clemency for him.

Ghalib told the President that his dream was to become a doctor and for that he needed his father around. “I cannot fulfil my dream if you hang my father,” he reportedly told APJ Abdul Kalam in the 20-minute-long meeting.

A student of class I, Ghalib even tried to hang himself after his schoolmates informed him that his father faced capital punishment. Lawyer Nandita Haksar who accompanied the Guru family told DNA, “Ghalib knows that injustice is being done to him and his father. He wanted to hang himself to know what his father would have to go through if the death sentence were to be carried out.

Cute. It's hard not to feel sorry for the kid - he's only seven years old and doesn't know any better, and maybe he's onto something. Perhaps the children of the security guards and policemen killed during the Parliament attacks should shoot themselves, just to know what their fathers went through when Afzal and his men made their little political statement.

The child, of course, is merely being used as a pawn by his family and the media - a blatant attempt at tugging at the public's heartstrings in order to release a convicted terrorist. I don't doubt that he is truly distressed at the prospect of losing his father, but surely the legal system cannot be subverted by the testimony of a seven year old, much as the media would love it to happen (compromised national security pales in comparison to a good human interest story).

As is only natural and proper, Arundhati Roy and Medha Pathkar have spoken out against Afzal's sentence (when have they ever agreed with the Indian government?). While the Lion King defence (kid watches his father get killed, grows up to take revenge via a hilarious segment featuring a meerkat and a retarded warthog) is the most popular argument against his execution, it is by no means the most bizarre - that distinction has to go to JKLF chief Yassen Malik, with this observation:

There is a serious engagement going on between India and Pakistan now. The execution of Afzal will derail the two-year-old peace process and may create an atmosphere where in Kashmiri youths will take the path of violence

The man has been found guilty of crimes against the Indian Union. Technically, the 'peace process' will be derailed by having his kind roaming free and perpetrating more attacks against common civilians. Then again, coming from the leader of the JKLF, one wonders whether that statement was framed as a mere warning or a more sinister mafioso threat.

The real surprise is that no one (apart from Gandhians, and who listens to them?) has questioned the ethical implications of the death penalty itself. Rather, they have moved to appeal for clemency in just one case. Personally, I feel there is a chance that Afzal may attain martyrdom through execution, thus spurring on more youths to take up arms. A lifetime of solitary confinement in brutal conditions would be a more apt sentence, but there is then a chance that he would become a Mandela-esque figurehead from his prison cell, which could be even more damaging. Moreover, he could become a major bargaining chip for terrorists in case of a hostage situation such as the IC-814 hijack in 1999.

The moral issue of a death sentence in general is another issue altogether. Taking the life of someone doesn't provide closure to anyone, and it could be argued that it has proven an ineffective tactic against curbing terrorism. It should probably not be abolished, but only used in extreme cases, where the individual's survival directly threatens others' well-being. One must also look at the mode of execution currently in practice in India. Isn't death by gallows an essentially outdated and inhumane practice? Surely death by injection would be a more humane method.

It doesn't appear as if the media controversy over Afzal's execution will die down any time soon. If the Dhananjay Chatterjee case is anything to go by, the circus will follow him all the way to the noose, scheduled for October 20. Perhaps then we can all rest in peace, Afzal included.

Update: The execution has been put on hold.

Cross-posted on Random Thoughts of a Demented Mind and India Uncut

Till death do you part...

2006-10-06T03:03:00.000+13:00

...unless you're in China, in which case death is the great matchmaker, the proviso being that you live a life of celibacy before you can enjoy an eternity of ghoulish lovin'. Yes, distraught parents throughout the Loess Plateau are hard at work looking for prospective brides for their deceased sons - a tradition that Tim Burton lovingly translated to the silver screen. Don't worry, there's no necrophilia here - the brides are dead too, and the best part is that everyone lowers their standards. What's a few maggots here and there? Her overall measurements are rather favourable...0-24-36. It's a pity her upper half was ravaged by wolves. And of course, there are no pesky love triangles holding up this arranged match made, quite literally, in heaven...or hell, I don't know. Point is, they're dead.

Seriously though, have the parents considered the odds of their son/daughter being gay? That'd really screw up their afterlife.

Mushy on the Daily Show

2006-10-06T01:06:00.000+13:00

No doubt most of you have already seen Pervez Musharraf's interview with Jon Stewart on the Daily Show, but for those who haven't, here it is:

I'm a big fan of Stewart's show, and usually agree with him on most matters, but I can't help but feel cheated during his interviews with major political figures. While he's comfortable lampooning most politicians from a safe distance on his show, it appears that he is reduced to a sycophantic buffoon (with the odd quick-witted remark) whenever one of them enters the studio, and this was no exception. He had an opportunity to ask Musharraf questions regarding Pakistan's active role in propagating cross-border terrorism, his protection of terrorists such as Dawood Ibrahim, controversial comments about the result of the Kargil war (though I doubt an India-Pakistan debate would hold the average American viewer's interest), or even his supposed lack of knowledge of AQ Khan's activities in Iran. Instead, he chose this gem:

Let’s say if there was an election held today in Pakistan — not, clearly, for your job, ’cause you’re doing a wonderful job…

More clearly, because he's a despot who seized power through a military coup - just the sort of leader the White House can get behind, especially since his name doesn't start with 'Saddam' and he's been oh-so-helpful to the Yanks. Forget his support of militant groups in Kashmir and failure to crack down on terrorist training camps at home, forget his country's secret service being involved in the July 11 blasts in Bombay - this is the man you want fighting a war on terror.

Of course, it is more than likely that Stewart's hands are tied by the network, as he can be brutally candid during his interviews on other shows, most notably his appearance on Crossfire. Moreover, it was probably Musharraf's entourage who booked the interview, and not The Daily Show - a shrewd PR move on the Pakistanis' part - thereby limiting the number of really 'tough' questions Stewart could ask.

While it was disappointing to see The Daily Show ape the news channels it so gleefully lampoons, Stewart's first question was an absolute crack-up - brilliant build-up, fantastic payoff.

By the way, check out his interview on Crossfire in 2004 to see him at his frank best.

Update: Musharraf says "India blaming Pakistan for the Mumbai bomb blasts is regrettable". To be honest, I don't know what I was expecting. The police findings were never going to be accepted readily by the international community, and they won't be until India actually acts upon them by toughening its stance on Pakistan. The United States, for one, has decided to take the moral high ground and asked India to discuss the issue directly with Pakistan, rather than going through the media, thus casting further doubt on the Indian police's findings in the eyes of the world. It's quite clear where their support lies in this conflict and it's about time Manmohan Singh grew a pair and actually held Pakistan accountable for its continued aggression towards India, rather than setting up joint mechanisms for combating terrorism. Then again, maybe he could use this opportunity to put this mechanism into practice and get Pakistan to reprimand itself for its actions.

Wayne Rooney's form

2006-10-05T23:46:00.000+13:00

Wayne Rooney has criticised the Football Association for the three-match ban he received at the start of the season, and well he should. The ban was ridiculously harsh, especially given Steven Gerrard and Neil Mellor's dismissals in the Amsterdam tournament three years ago - red cards that did not lead to domestic suspensions, arguably for more serious offences.

Since returning from his suspension, Rooney has seemed a different player, and I don't mean that in a positive way. His performance against Benfica was the worst I have ever seen him play - he visibly lacked confidence and sharpness, giving the ball away regularly with Fletcheresque panache. Despite the improvement in the weekend game against Newcastle, he was still relatively anonymous, especially in light of the efforts of Ronaldo (who by contrast has been absolutely outstanding this season), Saha, Scholes, Carrick and...Darren Fletcher. Naturally, in spite of a dip in form, his workrate hasn't dropped. He may in fact be trying harder than ever before, and the sight of Rooney harrying opposition forwards in front of the back four is becoming all too common for United fans.

The English press has been quick to cite a variety of reasons for his mysterious dip in form, mostly pertaining to lack of match fitness as a result of his suspension, as well as his long lay-off from injury prior to the World Cup. The article linked to at the beginning of the post implies as much:

Coupled with a two-match international suspension for his red card in the World Cup quarter-final against Portugal in the summer, Rooney has featured in just six competitive games so far this season and looks as though he is lacking in match sharpness.

To begin with, Rooney had a fantastic game against Fulham on the opening day of the season, so it didn't appear as if he lacked match sharpness then. Moreover, he hasn't missed games due to injury, as Gabriel Heinze did, and six competitive games is a fair amount when you consider that Manchester United have only played nine competitive games so far this season. Rooney has played more games than Gabriel Heinze - who has returned after a much longer layoff and appears to be showing no ill-effects - and the same number of games as Paul Scholes (who was also sent off and suspended in Amsterdam and has made a fantastic comeback since), yet it seems like the match fitness excuse is still doing the rounds. Lack of match fitness doesn't reduce one's first touch to that of a brick wall, nor does it transform a dynamic wonderkid into a confused young child hopelessly found out of position. The problem is clearly deeper than that. Henry Winter thinks he knows the reason behind the mess:

All those feverishly seeking answers to Wayne Rooney's current impression of a lost puppy should direct their questions to Ruud Bossen, Holland. Ever since the referee ridiculously dismissed the Manchester United striker in a pre-season tournament in Amsterdam, Rooney has been assailed by self-doubt.

The red card, brandished when Rooney challenged Porto's Pepe for an aerial ball, is at the root of Rooney's distracted nature. A creature of instinct, a footballer who learnt his game in rumbustious street kickabouts in Croxteth, now fears his naturally combative approach to football leads only to referees' bad books. The street footballer finds himself trapped in a cul-de-sac.

A classic tactic - if all else fails, blame the ref. Ruud Bossen may have been hasty in sending off Rooney and Scholes, and even hastier in filing a report on the incidents, but surely he isn't to blame for the former's poor form in subsequent months. Rooney's no stranger to being booked or sent off, and I doubt the incident would have, or should have had any effect on him. Winter's rather romanticised vision of Rooney leads one to believe that the boy is just a brainless wonder, when in fact he is a highly intelligent footballer who is capable of making his own decisions on the pitch, even if he does lose his temper on occasion. Moreover, it'll take more than a crash course in anger management (courtesy of an over-zealous ref) to calm the beast. Scholes also provides an interesting comparison to Rooney. Sent off in the same match, and forced to serve a similar ban (although it could be argued that his was more justified), he has returned to the team and made an immediate impact with his neat passing and intelligent runs off the ball. Like Rooney, he had a long layoff during last season, missing most of the campaign due to an eye problem. Unlike Rooney, however, he did not have the World Cup in which to regain match fitness, yet has had very few issues with slotting back into the team upon his return. That could be attributed to his greater experience, but is an interesting contrast nevertheless.

Isn't it entirely possible that Rooney is suffering an early-season dip in form, as most footballers do at some stage? He is barely 21 years old, and is bound to make errors. His return to the first team hasn't been helped by Ferguson's ever-changing tactics. It's common knowledge that Rooney's best position is as a withdrawn striker, yet in most games since his return, he has been deployed as a lone striker or a left winger in a bizarre 4-2-3-1. The only time he seemed anywhere near regaining his form was during the game against Newcastle, when United reverted to 4-4-2. The best remedy for the situation is to just let Rooney recover his form at his own pace, and the onus for this falls on the manager, who should ensure that two of his best players - Rooney and Ronaldo - are allowed to play in positions that favour their strengths. The constant media attention and questions regarding his fitness and/or ability will only serve to prolong Rooney's slump, although I suspect there are sections of the media who wouldn't mind seeing Manchester United's best player out of commission for a few more months.

Censorship gone crazy

2006-09-28T02:00:00.000+12:00

You'll be amazed at what you find on Samachar at 2 a.m. It turns out the Bombay Police are investigating claims that a soap opera is defaming female lawyers, following a petition filed by Ratan Agarwal, the General Secretary of the Young Lawyers' Association. Whether that particular title is something to be proud of is another question entirely, but I must ask - is this really necessary? Have these lawyers never watched a comedy sketch in their lives? Lawyers are the most parodied professionals on earth, and surely it should take more than a mere soap opera to incur their wrath. Yet another example of a few sensitive individuals going ahead and wasting taxpayers' money. Mind you, the Young Lawyers are not too far off the mark. If their move is successful, I will petition against the broadcasting of all Indian soap operas, on the grounds of health concerns. I have felt myself become dumber after being within ten feet of this mindless drivel that passes for prime time entertainment in households throughout India (and now thanks to the good people at Zee and Sony, in New Zealand too), and it is time to stop the pain.

I don't go trawling for the latest news on soap operas, I really don't.

Political humour is awesome

2006-09-28T00:32:00.000+12:00

Okay, so it's a little dry, but a George Allen insult generator still warrants a look.

The devil is in...the streetwear

2006-09-20T23:28:00.000+12:00

Hoo boy. If you thought Jesus Priest was bizarre, check this out - a priest in Vrindavan has been sacked for dressing an idol of Krishna in a T-shirt and jeans, and replacing his flute with a toy mobile phone. To top off the wardrobe reshuffle, Krishna sported sunglasses (possibly imported - details on the sunglasses are sketchy at best), presumably to shield his eyes from the Sun, or to impress his harem. Clearly they had grown tired of his childlike eyes and musical talents over the last 5000 years.

Naturally, as is the case with all things God, there was a roar of righteous indignation heard right through the State against the priest - Jugal Goswami - and his actions. Burned effigies, clichéd chants, closed shops - these protesters were no mugs. Their anger was well justified too - how dare this blasphemous priest deny us the chance to see our Lord in all his topless, dhoti-fied glory? It's an outrage, I tell you! SP Unit Chief Ballabh Bhandari thinks so too

"Dressing up the Lord Krishna idol in T-shirt, jeans and making it hold a mobile phone in his hand is against the tenets of Hinduism and the act has hurt the sentiments of devotees across the country"

Do these priests not read? It's right there in Kanda I, Prapathaka III of the Yajur Veda - "Thou shalt not dress the Lord in jeans, nor the Shirt of the Tee, but a classy suit will be fine. Sunglasses must be Ray Ban only, and try to get a good mobile plan that gives Him plenty of free minutes...Svaha!"

I cried myself to sleep last night - does Jugal Goswami care? I can barely look at my Lord without imagining a large "I'm with Stupid" shirt straddling his shoulders.

Seriously though - does anyone else see the awesomeness of this situation? Finally Hinduism has a figure to match Buddy Jesus (just in case you were wondering what the deal was with the picture at the top) for coolness. Speaking of cool, I wonder how Krishna would use his new-found phone. Here's a blogger's impression:

Krishna: Abbe oye Radha! Apun Dwarka jarelai elec-son ladne ke liye. Chal jaldi apun ko pappi dey!

Too blasphemous? I would translate the above text, but it would lose its Mithunian effect. Still, moving back to the matter at hand, it appears people's sensitivities have led them to make mountains out of molehills yet again. Vijay Bahadur, BJP politician, is a case in point.

"Hindus, already under attack from various forces, are aghast to discover an enemy within."

With all due respect, if playing dress-up is tantamount to religious treachery, little girls everywhere better watch out, because Vijay Bahadur is on the case and coming after you! What surprises me is that I was wrong about Krishna all along. You see, I used to believe it was his teachings that were important, and his dress code was just a sign of his times - he would have dressed differently in a different era. How wrong I was. It was once said that clothes make the man - I suppose this is true of deities too. How am I supposed to believe Krishna's teachings if he looks just like me? His toplessness and blueness serve to signify his superiority, especially in the winter months, because as far as I can remember, I have never once seen Krishna in a woollen jacket. It's topless or nothing.

This controversy has had far-reaching effects - not least in the nearby city of Varanasi, where devotees dressed in shorts were banned from entering the Kashi Vishwanath temple. Said policeman Jogesh Tiwari:

“The temple is also for women. How can a woman stand and pray if she sees semi-naked men hovering around?”

You see...it's for the ladies' own well-being. How could I have been so insensitive? Just one question though - isn't the Kashi Vishwanath temple essentially home to a phallic object (the lingam)? I have nothing against worshipping the male form (I worship myself in the mirror regularly), but surely if you can keep a straight face in front of a phallus, what harm can an exposed leg do?

To paraphrase Chris Rock, I highly doubt my fashion choices are going to determine my fate after death. I can imagine approaching the Pearly Gates (or the Reincarnation Station for us Hindus) in a pink polo, shorts and grillz, only to be told by whoever's in charge (with a major lisp) :

"Oooh, that just won't do! Pink only went out, like five decades ago honey! We're going to have to get you into something a little more 'here and now' and a little less 'fashion crisis'. And why the grillz? You have a wonderful smile, let people see it! I'm sorry sweetheart, I'll have to send you to fashion prison for a while - have you heard of the Fab Five?"

Again, let me remind you, St. Peter (or whoever is manning the station at the time) will say the above with a MASSIVE lisp, and perhaps a limp wrist. Point is, I'm going to Hindu Fashion Hell.

That just about wraps up another segment on religion bashing. I have so far offended Muslims (population: 1.4 billion), Hindus (population: 900 million) and Jehovah's Witnesses (3 men and a dog). Check in next time to see who I rant about next. It might be you.

The life of a student

2006-09-20T22:33:00.000+12:00

Krisann narrates her experience with last-minute assignments. If I didn't know better, I could have sworn she was writing my life story. The panic, the emotions, the feeling of accomplishment, the B- that follows - it's all so true. I suspect my driven, motivated high school self is shaking his head in disappointment right now.

Oh and I don't want any "I do assignments on the day they're handed out and get an A+" types arguing about this. We outnumber you, so nyah!

Good news at last - AIDS doesn't kill all its victims...

2006-09-19T23:58:00.000+12:00

...they just die of other causes. I guess something's got to keep the population in check.

Thar be debauchery afoot

2006-09-19T22:57:00.000+12:00

September 19 is here, and it's International Talk Like a Pirate Day, or should I say "Avast, me hearties! 'Tis the day dem land lubbers snarl and gnarl and get debaucherous with the best of ye. But only fer one day, and nary a second more, because then it just gets really really annoying".

Considering the content of my last post, a pirate's life might be a good option. Of course, Indians aren't pirates in the traditional sense ("why do you want to swing like a monkey from a mast when you can sit at a desk and count other people's money?"), but if you ever need a cheap copy of the latest film or video game, I know just the place - that's piracy working for you.

Sigh. 'Tis late. I'm off to 'ave me rum and sing about fifteen men, the likes of whom I ne'er seen before narr since. Garr.

Ekta at TrueBluePrint has much, much more. Check it out. It's an excellent blog and that girl needs to write more.

P.S. To my good friends at the RIAA: I have never bought or sold pirated goods, nor will I ever consider it. I understand Chamillionaire (don't be fooled by the name) needs my money to pay for a brand new set of gold-plated grillz and a multi-million dollar music video. Far be it from me to deny a brother his expensive tastes for the sake of two lousy meals. That would just be selfish.

Update: I was wrong - the West coast of India was inhabited by pirates in the 18th century (thanks Ekta).

Spill my blood next

2006-09-19T01:05:00.000+12:00

The last couple of weeks have been tough, on a personal level and otherwise. Then again, you'd be hard pressed to recall a week that did not include a major global incident. For me, it's been a roller-coaster ride through a fourth year engineering project - the details of which I'm sure you're all very interested in, but that's a topic for another day - India's shocking performance at the World Cup of Hockey, India's shocking collapse at the hands of Australia (I'm starting to see a theme here), the Malegaon bomb blasts, Steve Irwin's death, Manchester United's loss to Arsenal and of course, the Pope's comments about Islam.

Who can seriously say they didn't see this coming? In a hyper-sensitive world where cartoons can cause an international incident, it's no surprise that zealots everywhere have taken offence to a mere quotation from a centuries-old text. The statement in question reads "Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached". An inflammatory comment no doubt, and worthy of a verbal backlash...had it not been written circa 1391. As far as delayed reactions go, this one's right up there, and if I remember clearly, Christian-Muslim relations in that era were strained at best. Reading the transcript, it seems pretty clear that the Pope merely quoted a conversation between an emperor and a learned scholar, and in no way implied those feelings were his own. I'm not a fan of the papacy, in fact I am opposed to the idea of anyone having the power to dictate other people's personal choices, but in this case the Pope appears to be in the right. According to my understanding of the speech, the passage discussing Muhammad uses him merely as a device to further explain the central theme of the speech - that of faith and reason. Whether Muhammad preached religion through violence or otherwise is entirely beside the point.

Of course, logic never stopped anyone before. For the sake of brevity, or sensationalism, or both, the news media quoted select passages of the speech and blew it all out of proportion. The Pope was now a bigoted enemy of Islam, a symbol for all that was wrong with the arrogant West. He may be all that and more - after all he's the head of an organisation that strongly opposes stem cell research, artificial contraception and a woman's right to abort her baby, not to mention their aggressive conversion drives - but the views of the church in this case are irrelevant. What he said in no way implies that he himself agrees with the emperor regarding Muhammad's contribution to religion - in fact he describes his words as "astoundingly harsh" in the German translation of the speech - but that he believes acts of violence go against the will of God. It was this point that formed the crux of the speech, not the part criticising Muhammad, which brings me to my next point.

Why is it taboo to criticise a man whose teachings you may not believe? Of course, public figures such as religious heads and politicians must choose their words carefully, lest they be misconstrued and used against them, or worse still, against others. This does not, however, mean that they should be denied the right to free speech. If anything, a civilised discourse on religious matters is exactly what is needed to resolve issues between communities. Moreover, it strikes me as slightly ironic that Jesus (or rather, Christianity) is more ridiculed in the Western world than Muhammad. Of course, there are still protests from the religious right when this happens, but not to the extent seen with the Muhammad cartoons or the Pope's comments. There does appear to be one standard for Islamic sensitivities regarding Muhammad and another for other religions, when all religions and public figures should be open to respect and ridicule in equal amounts.

By raising violent protests, "vowing war against the worshippers of the cross" and refusing to accept even the slightest criticism of the Prophet, certain groups are only hurting their own cause, furthering the false stereotype of the fanatical Muslim when the more sensible option would be to react calmly and logically. This applies to members of all religions, including Christians, Jews, Hindus, Sikhs, etc. Mind you, I'm sure most Muslims couldn't care less about the Pope's speech, and this is yet another instance of religious and political leaders using the incident to further their own means.

God has so far refused to comment on this matter, possibly due to exhaustion after sweetening water in a polluted lake and drinking copious amounts of milk.

Priest discovers he isn't Jesus

2006-09-05T19:34:00.000+12:00

According to the Daily Record and the Religion News Blog, as well as the New Zealand Herald (sorry, I couldn't find a link), a priest in Gabon tried to imitate Jesus's purported feat of walking on water...and promptly drowned. Said a source at the scene:

"He took his congregation to the beach saying he would walk across the Komo estuary, which takes 20 minutes by boat.
"He walked into the water, which soon passed over his head and he never came back."

At what point do you think he would have realised he didn't really have the power to walk on water? I'm no religious expert, nor am I a scientist, but I would have personally given up when the water reached my neck, because really, I'm not technically walking anymore, so much as fighting to save my life. And why would you walk on water before learning to swim? You know how the old saying goes, you must learn the crawl before you walk...on water. I'm done with the puns - a man died here. But on the bright side, he's a shoo-in for the Darwin Award.

In a completely unrelated sidenote, I'm going to see Snakes on a Plane today. It's mutha****ing snakes on a mutha****ing plane!

Woohoo! Mainstream!

2006-09-05T00:54:00.000+12:00

As a firm believer in the tenets of the great poet Homer (Simpson), I tried my hardest to follow his every teaching to the letter, like any good religious pawn would, but somehow failed. I quote the Great One himself:

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try

Wise words indeed, but I failed you, Your Awesomeness. I didn't even try to maintain a functional blog - instead, I concocted a lethal mix of lazy writing and chronic lack of talent, and somehow still got published at a major online magazine! Show me the path once more, My Lord, and I shall repent for what I have done to thee (translation in Homerian - "D'oh!").

Seriously, though (this is when the rest of you go "that was a joke?") it's a huge honour to have one's random, tangential ramblings published in a mainstream magazine. I hope I do justice to the folks at MediaBlvd and meet the standards of the rest of their writing crew. Do check out the website - it's a fantastic read (heh, plugs don't get more shameless than this).

Once again, thanks to Ekta and Ami for the huge ego boost they've given me, and I hope I don't screw this up.

Hedgehogs force a rethink

2006-09-05T00:21:00.000+12:00

McDonald's have narrowed the openings of their McFlurry containers, after it was found that hedgehogs were getting trapped while on the lookout for a tasty morsel. Of course, this just would not do - McDonald's isn't here to kill tiny insectivores (and let's face it, if McDonald's kills hedgehogs, who do drivers kill?), it's here to drive an entire population of people towards a slow, painful obesity-related death! The news was greeted with a positive response from the chief executive of the British Hedgehog Preservation Society, Fay Vass.

"This is excellent, it is long overdue news," said Fay Vass, chief executive of the British Hedgehog Preservation Society. "We have been in touch with McDonald's about this problem for over five years and are delighted that they have at last solved the problem."

Wait, there's a hedgehog preservation society? Tigers, elephants, lions, pandas, chimps - all nearly extinct, yet these guys are more concerned with roadkill. Screw it, I want in. I've always wanted to protest on behalf of a hedgehog. Next on the agenda - lowering the speed limit so as to give our little fellas a fighting chance. Failing that, I'll lobby for research into genetically-modified spines, because we all know mutant hedgehogs with adamantium spines would be soooooo badass.

We deserve what's coming

2006-09-03T23:30:00.000+12:00

"mmmmmm...donuts"

David Gill says United were offered Javier Mascherano (twice!) but chose not to sign him because "while he is clearly a very good player it was decided he wasn't required at the club".

WHA...???

Calm down Bhavesh. Count to 10.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10

That didn't help. It's news like this that reduces me to a spluttering buffoon (though it could be argued that I don't really have too far to go in order to become a spluttering buffoon). Is John O'Shea really that much better than Javier Mascherano? Who do we require then? Another reserve goalkeeper or a left-back? I know, let's sign a 14 year old Norwegian and watch him rot in the youth team!

Not required at the club? A club that has been crying out for a world-class holding midfielder proceeds to miss out on the best young holding midfielder available, that too in a summer where Emerson and Patrick Vieira were also available at bargain prices! We may have Michael Carrick, but he's primarily a playmaker. We still lack a genuine ball-winner, and Mascherano would have given us that option. When you're just one or two players away from having a top-notch squad, as United are, you sign those one or two players and mount a serious. You don't just sit around smugly while half the world's players move clubs to anywhere but Old Trafford. Moreover, you don't place your faith in a 33 year old, injury-prone left winger, a 31 year old, injury-prone creative midfielder, an expensive gamble who can't tackle and...John O'Shea/Darren Fletcher to take you through the whole season and actually expect to win something. This summer has been tough to stomach as it is, with players either rejecting moves or having them blocked by their clubs, but this takes the cake. You know what, I can understand it when the club does its best to attract new players, but when you don't show any ****ing ambition, we have a problem.

To add insult to injury, the article states that United were never interested in Tevez. And why would we be? Gill and the Glazers clearly have their sights set on relegation anyway. Next season's transfers will probably include Ade Akinbiyi and Noah Hickey.

"We were never interested in Tevez," United chief executive David Gill told BBC Five Live. "We were also offered Mascherano, but we didn't want to go for him.
"We were offered Mascherano for a significant sum at the start of the summer and also last week on a loan deal.

"We had watched him last season but the manager (Alex Ferguson) and his staff didn't want to pursue him.
"While he is clearly a very good player it was decided he wasn't required at the club."

Each and every one of those quotes has "come back to bite me in the ass" written all over it.

Old morning cartoons

2006-09-01T01:17:00.000+12:00

1 a.m. is a good time to get nostalgic about those morning cartoons I used to watch back in school. Of course, as Samurai Pizza Cats ran from 8 till 8:30, and school started at 8:40, I'd never get to see who won. This clip brings back so many memories, mostly of breakfast, freezing cold weather and morning chaos. Mmmm....cereal.

Related posts: 1, 2

West Ham will win the Premiership

2006-08-31T22:01:00.000+12:00

If this story is true, you can call off the league right now, because West Ham have just pulled off the two greatest transfers in history. I'll repeat - Carlos Tevez AND Javier Mascherano will join West Ham United on a season-long loan from Corinthians. This is most probably a means for them to show how they'd adapt to the English game without big clubs taking multi-million dollar gambles on them. Both Manchester United and Chelsea have been stung in the past by signing talented South American players who did not adapt to the pace and physicality of the English game - namely Veron, Kléberson and Crespo - so this is a huge opportunity for them to run the rule over these guys over the course of the season. Of course, the disadvantage from United's point of view is that if they perform as everyone expects, Chelsea will probably price everyone out of the market by offering something astronomical. Anyway, I'm going to start planning for next season, because West Ham will win the quadruple.

Story first seen on SoccerLens.

Update: SoccerNet is carrying the story too, so it must be true.

Update 2: Gurpreet writes in to ask why United didn't sign Mascherano and Tevez on loan deals themselves. Simple answer - we missed a trick somewhere, surely. I cannot see any reason why Corinthians would have a problem with loaning them to Manchester United, so this is most probably a massive faux pas on the club's part, especially considering the state of the Hargreaves transfer and our paucity of quality central midfielders.

State of the Game has an interesting conspiracy theory about the whole matter. It may seem like pure speculation at this point, but Roman's links to Corinthians' owners are well-documented, and this may be a way to acclimatise the players to London. Of course, I hope this is untrue, and that United will have a chance to sign them next summer, but the financial power clearly lies with Chelsea these days and they will stop at nothing to get their men, like the John Obi Mikel saga (which ended with Manchester United having to part with a player they had signed legally. Of course, the law goes out the window when Chelsea want a player) and the current Ashley Cole controversy.

Update 3: Wtf? The deals are permanent. Something very strange is happening.

Pluto no longer a planet

2006-08-25T13:32:00.000+12:00

Yes, it's true - that beloved little runt is no longer part of the 'cool' group of 'planets'. We've shunted little Pluto down to being a dwarf planet, which is rather harsh. From being the Dilton of the gang, the poor sod is now Urkel. But it's not all bad news for the Outcast From Outer Space, for the good people at the International Astronomical Union have created a whole new bunch of friends for it. It's like Pokémon, only less annoying.

...Pluto will be fine. Thursday's decision to reclassify the former ninth planet signals a newly emerging picture of the solar system in which Pluto is anything but lonely. Until recently astronomers had no idea it was part of a frontier region full of icy leftovers from our solar system's formation. [Link]

It wasn't our fault - we just had no idea it was already surrounded by planetary geeks. Sorry Pluto, our bad. But hey, at least you'll have someone to sit next to at lunch! Sure, they won't be 'fun' like we were, but we can still hang out - we just can't call each other 'BFF's anymore. You understand, right? Tell you what - wanna come play Warcraft over at Jupiter's on Saturday? Awesome. We're gonna party in the Horsehead Nebula afterwards. We'd ask you to come, but...you know.

So far, Pluto has refused to comment on its demotion. Analysts presume any response from the Icy Geekwad will sound nasal, annoying and disappointed, yet accepting of its fate.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an atomic wedgie to plan. Demoting Pluto has its advantages.

Snakes on a **********ing Plane!

2006-08-24T17:15:00.000+12:00

As a general rule, the title of a film should tell us a little something about its content. Snakes on a Plane succeeds where Freddy Got Fingered failed - going into the film, you know exactly what you're getting yourself into. That's honest marketing. Add to that the sight of Samuel L. Jackson doing his wide-eyed, loud-mouthed schtick like only he can, and you're in for a classic film in its genre. Not since Killer Klowns From Outer Space has there been a film as ambitious as this, combining the twin terrors of venomous ophidians and air travel with panache. Without having seen the film - it releases in New Zealand today - I can tell you it beats Citizen Kane hands-down. That's the power of a good title.

...and the Reds go marching on

2006-08-21T03:05:00.000+12:00

Easy. Oh so easy. United barely broke sweat after the opening 20 minutes, having established a 4-0 lead through Saha, Rooney, Ronaldo and an own goal by Ian Pearce. Rooney slotted home another in the second half just for good measure, and the Red Devils coasted to victory in a newly-expanded Old Trafford. Paul Scholes was the stand-out performer in central midfield, overshadowing even the excellent Rooney and Ronaldo. He seemed to be completely at home as a deep-lying playmaker, and hopefully he will maintain his excellent form through the rest of the season. The prospect of seeing Scholes line up alongside Carrick and/or Hargreaves is an exciting one for United fans, and if Hargreaves does eventually move to Manchester, the central midfield problem should be resolved for at least two seasons. The whole squad worked well as a unit, creating chances almost at a whim.

Evra finally seems to be settling into the team now - he was adventurous getting forward and seems to have added a bit of bulk to his slight frame, which will help him no end in dealing with the physical nature of the English game. O'Shea continued his good form in the central midfield position, but Fulham are hardly the most challenging of opponents in that area, especially when one considers the Steed Malbranque situation. Giggs seemed to relish switching wings constantly with Ronaldo, and was a constant menace to the Fulham defence. Ronaldo, Rooney and Saha were excellent - full of energy and willing to chase everything, they will give nightmares to any defence they face this season.

So it's on to the midweek game against Charlton. United will be without the services of Rooney and Scholes, two of the best players on the park today, and with Carrick out until September 9, they will have to revert to the central midfield pairing of Ryan Giggs and John O'Shea. Charlton have hardly made the most auspicious of starts, losing 3-1 to West Ham at Upton Park, but they will be a different proposition at home, and have traditionally been strong starters. It will be an early test of United's bench strength, and one that they must pass if they are to be considered serious challengers for the Premiership crown.

Here we go...

2006-08-20T23:08:00.000+12:00

The first matchday of the English Premiership is underway. Tottenham's loss was perhaps the biggest story of the day, along with Liverpool's controversial leveller against Sheffield United. Tonight, it's Manchester United who kick off their campaign, at home to Fulham. In spite of all the doom and gloom portrayed by the media, I still think United will challenge Chelsea - who play Manchester City later tonight - all the way until the end of the season, as long as the majority of the squad stay fit.

And hey, while you're passing time, waiting for the game to start, check out these videos.

Some of the best goals from last season:

A great comeback. Vintage Reds.

Speaking of great comebacks...

New look

2006-08-20T23:04:00.000+12:00

I got pretty tired of the old template (and frankly, it was quite a jarring sight), so I thought I'd change things around a bit. Do you like it? Do you hate it? Do you not care anymore?

The Premiership, and United's challenge

2006-08-19T16:17:00.000+12:00

The World Cup now seems a distant memory, even though the final took place just over a month ago. Time seems to stretch just that little bit longer when I'm denied my regular dose of football. With the only televised cricket here being the England-Pakistan series (which I frankly couldn't care less about), good sport has been hard to come by. That should all change tonight, with the start of the 2006/07 English Premiership season. Twenty teams will start afresh, with a chance to be crowned champions of England next May.

The off-season has been a peculiar one for Manchester United fans, and certainly a new experience for those accustomed to the big-spending days of the last few years. Only one signing - albeit an expensive one - and perhaps one more to come before the transfer window closes - not a sign of a club desperate to regain the top spot it held for over a decade, or so the tabloids would have you think. Michael Carrick, for all the controversy surrounding his price tag, is an accomplished midfielder and should fit well into the United system. His age is a definite advantage, and he could form the core of the next generation of Manchester United players, with Wayne Rooney, David Jones, Cristiano Ronaldo(?), Giuseppe Rossi, Jonny Evans, Gerard Pique, Kieran Richardson, Ben Foster, Wes Brown and Lee Martin. Of course, it is likely that a couple of the youngsters may fail to make the grade at United, but the majority of them appear to have the skills necessary to succeed at the very highest level. Lee Martin and Jonny Evans have been especially impressive in pre-season, and if they continue that form into their loan spells at Rangers and Royal Antwerp, respectively, they should push for a first-team spot next season.

While the future for United appears bright, it is the lightweight nature of the current squad that is the biggest source of concern. The Red Devils played most of the second half of the season with Ryan Giggs and John O'Shea in central midfield due to the departure of captain Roy Keane and an injury to talismanic playmaker Paul Scholes. Although they acquitted themselves better than expected, it is highly doubtful that the greatest left-winger of his generation and a converted left-back can sustain their form through an entire season in unfamiliar positions. Michael Carrick will be expected to take on the role of deep-lying playmaker, and the return of Paul Scholes will further bolster the centre of the midfield. However, the team still lacks a genuine ball-winner in midfield. The rumoured arrival of either Marcos Senna or the younger Owen Hargreaves should solve that problem, though the team's bench strength is still limited. Perhaps Ferguson will use this season as a chance to blood the very talented David Jones, who is back from loan spells with Preston North End and NEC Nijmegen, and should leapfrog Darren Fletcher and the hapless Liam Miller in the midfielders' pecking order. If he continues to develop as expected, he could be the box-to-box midfielder to replace the erstwhile irreplaceable Roy Keane.

With the departure of Ruud van Nistelrooy to Real Madrid, and no replacement signed, it would appear that Manchester United will struggle to score goals regularly this season, but the team has depth in its strikeforce. Louis Saha, Alan Smith and Ole Solskjaer are a handy frontline to have, although Saha and Solskjaer are injury-prone, and Alan Smith is recovering from a major injury. Wayne Rooney needs no introduction - the wonderkid is already the best player in both his club and national teams, and adds an extra zest to every game. Giuseppe Rossi is a much-vaunted prospect, scoring goals for fun in the reserve league, and this will be the season where he has to step up a level.

It is telling that some of United's best performances last season were when Saha, and not van Nistelrooy, played up front. Ruud van Nistelrooy was, and is still a fantastic player, but he has lost a yard or two of pace, and the lack of service from the wings left him even more isolated up front. With such meagre resources in midfield, United needed a more mobile striker to complement Rooney's hard running, and Saha fit the bill perfectly. Smith's return to action by September should give United more options up front, and as long as two of the five forwards - not to mention Carrick and Scholes, who will have to create chances - stay fit, goals will not be a problem.

With the imminent arrival of Hargreaves, United's midfield should start to look somewhat decent this season. An area of concern in coming seasons will be the two wings - with Ryan Giggs nearing the end of a fantastic career, and Ronaldo not likely to stay beyond the next two seasons, Richardson, Martin and Park will be the only wingers left at the club. Park may be a good squad player, but at the moment does not have the necessary quality to help the club win the Premiership. Richardson is a good left-winger and central midfielder, but needs to add some bulk to his slight frame if he is going to succeed. Lee Martin is a fantastic prospect - perhaps the best of the lot - but he is untried at this level. His loan spell at Rangers will provide an opportunity for manager and fans alike to have a closer look at him.

Chelsea may have the strongest squad in England, but Arsenal, Tottenham, Liverpool and Manchester United have all rebuilt, and this season will most probably be closer than most people expect. Chelsea's midfield seems formidable on paper, but accommodating all those egos may be beyond even José 'The Special One' Mourinho. Tottenham have an exciting young squad that will give some of the best in Europe a run for their money, Arsenal have added Tomáš Rosický to their young and talented midfield, and are unlikely to suffer last season's blip, Liverpool have the best central midfield in England, and Manchester United have finally got a midfield. A five-horse race right until the end may be too much to ask, but every set of supporters from those clubs can realistically expect to be there or thereabouts near the finish. As for me, I can't wait to see Gary Neville lift the trophy above his diminutive head at Old Trafford.

COME ON YOU REDS!

I'm not a NASCAR fan...

2006-08-18T17:45:00.000+12:00

But if there were more drivers with names like Tiny Lund, I'd be a convert, if only for the comedic value. Read the rest of the Wikipedia article. I may have a dirty mind, but there has got to be a better way of phrasing some of those sentences. Tiny's relationship with Bumgarner is of particular interest. Do read.

I fear I might have lost half my readership. Then again, one less reader is no biggie.

Media egged on a man to burn himself

2006-08-17T23:48:00.000+12:00

How desperate can you get? Encouraging a man to set himself on fire because you're having a slow news day has got to be the lowest of the low. Of course, the journalists who filmed the incident and beamed it all across India denied the charges:

"It's a completely false allegation. It is a ploy by the district police to malign and frame us," said one news television reporter, who preferred to remain unnamed.

You know, maybe their story would have been a little more plausible if they hadn't just stood by idly while a man burnt to death. Oh right, they weren't idle - they filmed the entire episode instead of discouraging him, or attempting to extinguish the flames. After all, what's a human life worth these days?

Vaseline, a screwdriver and a note referring to Al Qaeda

2006-08-17T22:51:00.000+12:00

It appears only Macgyver has the skills required to carry out a terrorist operation. As it turns out, the only suspicious items found in the woman's purse were a box of matches and some lotion. Even the Great One would have struggled with such meagre resources...or would he?

South Africa are going home

2006-08-17T22:21:00.000+12:00

The South African cricket team have decided to fly home following the August 14 bomb attack in Colombo, in spite of assurances from the cricket board that they would be afforded presidential-level security. It's a puzzling decision, not least because the target of that attack was the Pakistani High Commissioner and his convoy. One also wonders whether the South Africans would have pulled out in a similar situation if they had been touring England, New Zealand or Australia, as Osman Samiuddin at Cricinfo points out. The cricketing world does seem to be firmly divided into two blocs - Asia on one side, and the traditional powers of Australia, England, South Africa and New Zealand on the other (although New Zealand do not have a strong tradition in cricket, it's clear where their loyalties lie). England have in the past expressed concerns about touring India, Australia forfeited their fixtures in Sri Lanka during the 1996 World Cup and New Zealand famously refused to play in Kenya during the 2003 World Cup on the grounds of security concerns. What really surprises me is that the South Africans feel unsafe in Colombo, with tight security and personal guards round the clock, but are more than happy to return to Johannesburg, where walking down the wrong street could get you shot. Just ask Andrew Hall.

Meanwhile, the Indian players, no strangers to the threat of terrorist attacks, will stay in Sri Lanka to contest a three-match series.

Ahmadinejad is a blogger...

2006-08-14T23:40:00.000+12:00

...and like a true politician, his recently launched blog is, well, "too busy".

Happy Independence Day

2006-08-14T21:52:00.000+12:00

Tomorrow, on August 15, India celebrates the 59th anniversary of her independence from the British Empire. For some, it's a time to pull out the flags and patriotic clothing and yell slogans from the rooftops. For others, it's a chance to make a quick buck out of flags and patriotic clothing. Everyone's happy - we commemorate the setting of the Sun on the British Raj and, in a quintessentially Indian way, make a smart profit.

Somewhere in the back of our thoughts is a speech - a speech with which we have been acquainted since our youngest days, one whose opening utterances remain etched in our memories. But do we truly understand its message? The speech - Tryst With Destiny - was a seminal moment in Indian history, welcoming the dawn of a new era in the subcontinent. We were finally free of the shackles of foreign rule, and from that day on, we made our own history.

Nehru's speech warned us that the struggle had only just begun. Freedom from the British was not an end in itself, but an opportunity for the common Indian to determine his own fate. Facing us were the obstacles of poverty, unemployment, malnourishment and class differences - problems that exist (to varying degrees) till today. One could argue that Nehru's vision never reached fruition.

...the past is over and it is the future that beckons to us now. That future is not one of ease or resting but of incessant striving so that we might fulfill the pledges we have so often taken and the One we shall take today. The service of India means the service of the millions who suffer. It means the ending of poverty and ignorance and disease and inequality of opportunity. The ambition of the greatest man of our generation has been to wipe every tear from every eye. That may be beyond us. But as long as there are tears and suffering, so long our work will not be over. And so we have to labour and to work and work hard to give reality to our dreams. Those dreams are for India, but they are also for the world, for all the nations and peoples are too closely knit together today for anyone of them to imagine that it can live apart. Peace has been said to be indivisible; so is freedom, so is prosperity now and so also is disaster in this one world that can no longer be split into isolated fragments. To the people of India, whose representatives we are, we appeal to join us' with faith and confidence in this great adventure. This is no time for petty and destructive criticism, no time for ill-will or blaming others. We have to build the noble mansion of free India where all her children may dwell. [Link]

"The ending of poverty and disease and inequality of opportunity". As I look around me, I cannot see even one of those promises being fulfilled after fifty-nine years of independence. We may have eradicated smallpox, but we now have the largest population of HIV-positive individuals in the world. We have an alarmingly high number of people living below the poverty line (as high as 30%), and inequality of opportunity is a fact of life even today, as the recent debate regarding reservations in tertiary institutions shows. We can blame the British all we want for sucking India dry economically, but fifty-nine years should have been enough to reverse the ill-effects of colonialism. Singapore is a prime example of rapid growth and transition from a third-world city-state to one of the most affluent countries in the world.

That is not to detract from India's achievements in the last 59 years, or to deny the challenges we faced from external factors such as hostile neighbours and cross-border terrorism. We are now a major player in IT, pharmaceuticals and space technology. Our economy - especially our services industry - is growing at a breathtaking rate, and has been doing so ever since the economic reforms introduced in 1991. In fact, the rapid growth and improvement during the 90s should serve as a reminder of the need for more reforms, both socially and economically. Red-tapeism still exists all over India, and is a huge impediment to businesses and land owners. It is something of a paradox that while the economy is booming, the number of jobs available hasn't increased proportionally. Social restrictions exist when there should be none. The news media has regressed from being a worthy source of information to cheap tabloid material - the Times of India is sadly one of the biggest victims to this trend, concentrating on selling advertising space more than reporting on substantial issues. Most politicians today seem more interested in serving their own personal interests than "dedicating themselves in all humility to the service of India" (to paraphrase Nehru).

Nehru's speech should have symbolised the beginning of a struggle - not against a foreign entity that could be readily demonised and resisted, but against our own thoughts and vices. Instead, it signalled an era of complacency. Nehru and his contemporaries made numerous mistakes (most notably the notion of Fabian Socialism), but they were mistakes that many of his time made. Our greatest error was in not recognising these mistakes sooner.

August 15 marks a day when we remember the sacrifices of the freedom fighters, men and women who defied an Empire to claim what was rightfully theirs. It should perhaps also be a day that we imbibe some of that revolutionary spirit to right the wrongs of the past and start over. The 'Tryst With Destiny' was only the beginning, and we owe it to them to finish the job they started. Happy Independence Day. Jai Hind.

The new 50c coin is tiny

2006-08-14T21:22:00.000+12:00

I got my hands on the new 50 cent coin a few days back - they weren't kidding when they said it'd be smaller. I almost hooked the bus driver because I thought I was being short-changed. It'll take some getting used to, but I'm not sure I like the idea of such small coins. Personally, I enjoyed having the option of using the old 50c coin as a deadly weapon if the need ever arose. Now all I can hope to do is inflict a somewhat irritating itch on my would-be attackers. These truly are confused times.

One last look at the old 50 cent coin:

The old 50 cent coin again (as seen from space):

Goodbye, old friend (*sniff*).

Raksha Bandhan

2006-08-09T03:55:00.000+12:00

Ah, Raksha Bandhan - that great festival where brothers realise how awesome they are, and that their sisters need to be protected from the evils of society. Others have their dreams of romantic unions with some girls shattered forever (I've heard the stories!) by a small, unremarkable piece of string. Of course, God help the fool who so much as hints that any girl needs protection - very soon he'll be asking for protection of his own.

In this day and age, with women deciding they are capable of anything (and don't get me wrong ladies, you are. You can do anything you want. Just don't hurt me), and thinking they don't need us anymore, Raksha Bandhan has become rather business-like - "Eat the sweets, tie the rakhi, give me a crappy gift, keep it moving. I have five other brothers waiting in line, so don't hog my time".

Where's the love? Where's the respect? Where's the ganglord treatment? One of the greatest perks during Raksha Bandhan is the feeling of being a small-time Don handing out favours on his daughter's wedding day. And in a flash, it's all gone. I blame video games MTV, and Baa Baa Black Sheep.

Ranting aside, Happy Raksha Bandhan to you all, but mostly to these very special girls (in order of age):

Ekta
Ranjeeta
Samta
Juily
Vrittika
Disha
Shradha
Divya

Miss you all (except Vrittika - I've seen enough of her :-P).

So I was a little wrong...

2006-08-09T03:45:00.000+12:00

Maybe the headline wasn't so misleading after all. Mohun Bagan U15s have been drawn in the same group as Manchester United U15s. Still, the draw was only made yesterday, so I was kind of right too.

The group:

1. Manchester United FC (England)
2. Ferencvárosi TC (Hungary)
3. Athletic Bilbao (Spain)
4. São Paulo FC (Brazil)
5. Mohun Bagan AC

On a personal level, it's the worst possible draw. Mohun Bagan, an Indian club, facing my beloved Red Devils for a chance to progress in the competition. Ah what the hell - come on you Mariners!

It's unlikely that the youngsters will cause any upsets, but the experience of playing at the highest level will be invaluable. Who knows, maybe this is the platform for one or two of them to showcase their talent and sign for a European club. It would be just the shot in the arm that Indian football needs.

Update: Mohun Bagan have lost their opening match 4-1 to Manchester United, after taking an early lead through David Lalrinmuana. They play São Paulo at 4:30 p.m. GMT. Tomorrow, they face Ferencvárosi at 9:30 a.m. and Athletic Bilbao at 3:30 p.m. GMT.

Help is on its way

2006-08-08T01:37:00.000+12:00

Anti-stupidity pills. Apparently they improve attentivene....ooh a bird!

Regarding the anger

2006-08-08T00:46:00.000+12:00

For those of you who perhaps weren't aware of what Ali was referring to in his previous post, our indoor football team competes in Auckland University's competitive league every Wednesday night. This is our first season in the league, and our first match was a bit of a disaster. The referee seemed to favour the other side, often penalising the slightest bit of contact with a free kick, and sometimes a yellow card to boot. Ali was the biggest victim, first getting a yellow card for 'dissent' and then being sent off for a second bookable offence - a late challenge, though he assures me he got the ball first. I got a yellow card for what was a squeaky clean tackle, as did another one of our teammates. That is not to say that the 1-2 scoreline was unjust, or that we would have won the match - we were outplayed for most of the second half and our passing was shocking. However - and this relates to my previous post on refereeing - it would have been nice to see the referee take charge of the situation by warning players before issuing yellow cards, rather than booking players for their first offence. As players, we realise that we can get out of hand at times - we are only human - but we would appreciate it if the referee showed some patience and allowed the game to flow, rather than blowing his whistle every time a player went down under a challenge. Hard tackles can be fair tackles too.

Anyhow, it's in the past now. Our squad of 10 players is down to 7 for this week, as we have lost two players to tests and Ali's suspended. Here's hoping that we'll get a better referee this time. And for anyone who is keen, come down and watch La Furia (that's us) play Hand of God at 6:30 p.m. in the Rec Centre, followed by SWAt (our mates) vs. Persia (the team that beat us 2-1). We're going to try and win this one for Ali.

That's the end of what I hope will be my only personal post. I'll return to uploading news items and random clips later today.

Anger and a Woman who thinks she is Marilyn Monroe reborn

2006-08-07T23:28:00.000+12:00

Well let’s start with the ANGER, im pissed of that my constant asking the refree about fouls is going to cost me and my team as im suspended for the next game. Incompetent refs should be shot, ok mayb not shot but dam there should b somthing done about it. I mean really done about it, not oh we will look at it in a week I think if the ref believes he is wrong then he should be able to go back on his word if he sees it fit. I would hate our team lost because of a mistake on my part especially since I am captian of the team.

Marilyn Monroe reincarnated? This woman believes she is. A Canadian singer? I just think she is trying to get more publicity so maybe if she is lucky she can pull a William Hung.
Btw this video only works on Internet Explorer (dam Microsoft).

"My son's a murderer!"

2006-08-06T14:43:00.000+12:00

There's been a lot of anger over the new All Black haka, mostly for the 'throat-slitting' gesture at the climax. Parents everywhere are concerned about their children, who have begun to imitate their heroes at home. The New Zealand Herald reports:

Wellington mother Gaynor Brymer said her 6-year-old son Oliver often used the haka's final gesture, a thumb drawn across the throat, to wind her up. "He clearly means that he's going to slit someone's throat," she said.

Clearly. And how do you propose he will slit someone's throat, Gaynor? Are you providing knives to your six-year-old son? If you are, I don't think the haka should be top of your priorities right now.

Of course, the throat 'slit' actually represents the "drawing of vital energy into the heart and lungs" (link). But clearly, Gaynor (seriously? Gaynor?) seems to think otherwise.

"When my 6-year-old son stands with his eyes ablaze and bulging, drawing his hand slowly across his throat in response to a mild admonishment from his mother, I doubt he is wishing the 'breath of life' upon me," she said.

Yes, a six-year-old wants to kill you - his well-balanced and caring mother, who after six years of stellar parenting, is about to lose her son to a life on the street because of an ambiguous gesture on television. I'm sure the haka was all okay before, with the loud chanting, bulging eyes, and warrior spirit? The All Black versions of the haka are derived from war dances! What do you expect them to do? Braid each other's hair? It's just a dance, and kids are likely to imitate anything and everything, unless their parents decide to do their jobs and teach them the difference between right, wrong and what's likely to land them in prison, where a guy named Big Al uses you as his personal 'toy' (I've heard the stories!). In Gaynor's case, maybe she should have a chat with her son about slitting people's throats, and why it's just a little illegal. Failing that, she should take away his video games. God knows what the kid will do after one game of Grand Theft Auto.

For the curious among you, here's a video of the new haka (you can see the conventional haka here):

By the way, Gaynor - you know it's legal to change your name, right? I'm just saying...

Wayne, Wayne, Wayne....

2006-08-06T03:00:00.000+12:00

Sent off again? I can handle that. But in a bloomin' FRIENDLY? Son (I'm old enough to be your father, give or take twenty years), you have to learn to calm down. Great player, but no use to anyone sent off.

In all fairness, that was never a red card. Perhaps a yellow at best, but as Sir Alex Ferguson said after the match, his reputation precedes him these days. Pepe (I'm not being racist - that's his real name) seemed to go down a little easily, but the referee was in a good position to see it and should have called it correctly. Check out the video highlights.

The response has been completely as expected - Rooney and Scholes charged with violent conduct. Violent...conduct. For an accidental elbow and a marginally late tackle. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when did football become so soft that a little physical contact became taboo? Violent conduct is when a guy smashes his studs into your ribs, or when he follows through a shot and smacks the business end of his boot into...well...your 'business end'. Thankfully it appears that the FA are only paying lip-service to this matter, and there will be no further action taken. Of course, two years ago, with David Dein still at the helm, we might have expected 8 month bans for both Rooney and Scholes, but the Big Bad Gooner's off the board.

Good to see Scholes and Solskjaer back in the team. Trademark goals scored by both players, and if they can stay fit, we might see United challenge for the trophy from the outset. Of course, the chances of Solskjaer staying fit throughout the season seem slim. With the imminent signing of Marcos Senna, the midfield looks a little stronger, but we're short on options up front. Saha and Rooney are the first-choice strikers, but if one of them gets injured, it'll be either Smith, Solskjaer (both making comebacks from serious injury) or the untried Rossi. Fully fit, United can win the title. But it's never as simple as that.

Misleading headline #2

2006-08-06T02:51:00.000+12:00

The Indian news media is on a roll. I wonder how many 14 year-olds clicked on this, only to be sorely disappointed? For the record, I'm not 14, but I sure as hell am curious. Needless to say, I was sorely disappointed.

And another thing - how come most Indians in the Guinness Book of Records are only there because no one else is stupid enough to never cut their fingernails, stand on one foot for a month (or whatever), or eat fiery red chillies? Kapil Dev was a beacon of hope, until Courtney Walsh decided to burst THAT bubble.

Misleading headlines

2006-08-06T01:59:00.000+12:00

Mohun Bagan take on Manchester United! screams HT Sport. Now before you get all excited, it's Mohun Bagan's U15 side competing in the Manchester United Premier Cup. The groups are yet to be drawn, so just how this journalist concluded that the Mariners will be playing United is anyone's guess. They are just as likely to face Bulleen Lions as they are the Red Devils U15s. Anyhow, this tournament will be a great opportunity for the youngsters to show their skills on a major stage and perhaps be earmarked by big European clubs. Of course, their actual chances of winning anything are close to none, but qualification in itself is a major achievement. All the best to Mohun Bagan, and I hope they don't end up being drawn against United, because I might find myself rooting against my beloved Reds for the first time (hey, national pride over all).

Coot-off!

2006-08-06T01:15:00.000+12:00

A Daily Show classic. Dagnabbit!

Hello

2006-08-03T23:08:00.000+12:00

Hi, I don't blog here. I'm Ali like Muhammad. It helps people remember my name.
Well this being my 1st blog here at Moral Militia, i have a bunch of vids for you to watch and laugh.

Have U ever thot that your roommate was upto something? (NSFW)

As seen on Break.com
Who do u think was more suprised?

I hope America is not our future.

As seen on Break.com

Ever wanted to know wat it is like canceling your AOL subscription?
Click here to find out.

I have no time for originality...

2006-08-03T14:41:00.000+12:00

...so instead I'll steal videos from better blogs.

First up, Amit Varma posts this video. Absolutely brilliant commentary on humans.

Next up, it's a video ripped from Sepia Mutiny (I don't steal from small blogs). Film dancing will always be funny. Say it with me...Solla Solla Enna Perumai!

Watch for the "Tara ta ta ta ra ta ta rai" around the 2-minute mark. Pure twitchy goodness. They don't make 'em like they used to.

I stand corrected. Retardation is still a prerequisite for becoming a film hero (link taken from Ultrabrown)

UEFA's new regulations

2006-08-02T01:21:00.000+12:00

In light of new regulations to tackle racism and diving, Daryl at the World Cup blog wonders what other regulations could be introduced to ensure football cleans up its act. It's an interesting question, and most certainly worth looking into.

First of all, I fully support these new regulations. Any attempt made by the game's governing bodies to eliminate racism is welcome. What is even more heartening is that none of these new regulations actually affect the way referees manage a game. All of them are post-match regulations, allowing the game's regulators the benefit of multiple replays in order to determine whether a player dived, or a yellow card was unjust, and so on.

On the subject of new rules (and I assume the author means rules that determine how referees run a game), I would rather get rid of some existing rules - more precisely, FIFA's 'recommendations' to referees - than include new ones. Referees are constrained enough as it is. They are denied technological backup to aid their decision-making, and must therefore make split-second decisions that they might be crucified for later (see Urs Meier in 2004, and Graham Poll in Germany). It is hardly the easiest of jobs, and has only been made worse by FIFA's almost schizophrenic rulings. Consider this - diving, or 'simulation' as FIFA now calls it - is expected to result in an automatic yellow card and a fine for the player involved (the footballing equivalent of being grounded for ten minutes by your over-indulgent parents...but no loud music). Fair enough, no one likes cheats, and diving is cheating. It's not so clear-cut when you also consider that a referee is expected to book players for 'lunges', tackles from behind, and practically any contact that was not made with the ball. Now, in a perfect world, these rules would be...perfect. There would be no more diving, and all tackles would be clean. Unfortunately, referees are more confused than ever about what constitutes a dive. What could be a dive to one referee could also be a late tackle (albeit with minimal contact) to another. Players continue to go down at the slightest of touches, in greater numbers than before if you believe the reports. Clearly the rules are not working, and it is immediately apparent why. As the tolerance level for tackling has been driven lower by the authorities, the line between a foul and a dive has blurred. If you have a higher tolerance for...ahem...spirited tackling, not only will it be relatively easier to figure out who the divers are, but those that do dive and get away with it will now be going down under far more substantial contact. Granted, some shocking decisions will be made - referees are only human - but on the whole, by relaxing the rules on tackling and allowing referees the freedom to run matches as they see fit, we might end up seeing the sort of football that we all crave, minus the divers. This does not mean that I want the game to return to the bad old days of studs smashing into ribs and so on, but such a scenario is never likely to happen if referees are just allowed to call the game as they see it. Micro-managing the game is the worst thing the administrators could possibly do, and unfortunately they did it right before the World Cup.

In short, any new regulations regarding analysis of past matches are welcome. It ensures justice in the long run for all teams, even though in the short term, individual sides may feel hard done by some refereeing decisions. Any attempt to increase the referee's workload during a match would be disastrous, unless FIFA agrees to use video or microchip technologies to aid the officials.

New blog member

2006-08-02T00:49:00.000+12:00

Technically, this blog has been a co-operative effort for around a month or so now, if you ignore the fact that the other guy hasn't posted here yet. Only a minor technicality I'm sure, and I shall do him the honour of a formal introduction. So, ladies and gentlemen (if there are that many people actually reading this), allow me to present...Allthamoves (not his real name). Now hopefully this introduction will inspire him to get off his lazy ass and actually write something here, but I wouldn't hold my breath. If he does start posting, though, this blog might finally see something truly funny/substantial. Till then, you'll have to put up with my inane ramblings on stuff I find on random websites.

I'm not forcing you to be here. Go on, redirect your browser. I dare ya.

Oh.

I'll get my coat.

Jehovah's Witnesses make inroads

2006-08-02T00:11:00.000+12:00

And what if her dogs really were fed on Jehovah's Witnesses? I'd imagine the world would be a lot more peaceful. The news article states:

"We were informed by a member of the public who found the sign to be distressing, offensive and inappropriate," a police spokesman said.

Funny that. It seems perfectly okay to knock on people's doors, deride their way of life, claim that their religion is setting them on the course to hell and call them demon-worshippers (true story), but it's clearly the sign that is 'offensive and inappropriate'.

Now that signs are illegal, I've developed new ways to keep Jehovah's Witnesses (and others of their ilk - Mormons, Hare Krishnas, etc.) away:

1. Answer the door in your underwear (probably not recommended)

2. If they ask "Have you found Jesus?", answer "You lost him AGAIN? I don't pay you to play hide and seek!"

3. Alternatively, you can say "Yeah, he's upstairs. Turns out he was totally off about being the Son of God and all that. They're only distantly related." (see note below)

4. Tell them you'll convert to their religion if they'll convert to yours (hey it makes just as much sense as the other way around).

5. Answer the door with a shotgun, loaded or unloaded (preferably loaded. Fire a shot in the air and act a little crazy - this one's been personally tested)

Note: The above was meant as a (characteristically poor) joke. I have nothing against Christianity and Christians in particular - just religious nuts of any denomination, be they Hindu, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, or anything else. At the end of the day, no one can even prove God's existence - the 'just look at the wonders of nature' argument doesn't hold water with me - let alone pass judgement on others' religious beliefs. Jehovah's Witnesses are only one of many religious organisations around the world trying to forcibly push their message onto the masses, without regard or respect for existing beliefs, and I cannot respect proselytisers and religious nuts of any form, and I honestly don't care which version of 'God' they claim to represent.

Russell Peters review

2006-07-18T01:03:00.000+12:00

In a word - hilarious. Well worth the admission price. He started off a little slowly as he scoped out the audience and figured out who to pick on, but by the half hour mark he had us all rolling. Absolutely killer material, and a lot of it was new. He did reuse a substantial number of jokes from his New York act, but managed to rework them so that they still drew laughs. I never expected him to give us ninety minutes of completely new material (anyone who has seen Jerry Seinfeld's Comedian will appreciate how long it takes to formulate a solid one hour set), so I wasn't disappointed by the repeated jokes. That said, there was enough original material in there to warrant the ticket.

I had mentioned earlier that his reliance on racial humour was a drawback, and I still think it is, but he sure knows how to make the most of it. Spot-on impressions of the Filipino, Vietnamese, Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Italian, Jamaican, English and of course the Indian accent, and none of them offensive. Unlike other mimics, he manages to lend some authenticity to his impressions, especially with the Indian accent, which is far better than Hank Azaria's monstrosity. He was genuinely funny, as was his opening act, Yoshi, who I'd like to see more of in the future. Yoshi was perhaps too edgy for his own good, and his humour crossed the line a few too many times. That may be due to the short time frame he had, but he definitely has some good material, far better than the frankly overrated and offensive Daniel Nainan, who is exactly the sort of comedian the overseas Asian community does not need. He may have a few good jokes, but resorts far too often to low-brow jokes about curry, sushi, call centres and Gandhi, and let's be honest, we've all heard them on the playground growing up (except the ones about call centres, but I'm sure kids watch the news), and they were never funny. Worst of all, his 'Indian accent' is effectively Apu.

Right, Russell Peters. He was good. He'll be back in December. Don't miss it.

Religion explained

2006-07-18T00:56:00.000+12:00

This is why we Hindus don't eat beef. It's just not worth the hassle. Link stolen from India Uncut.

Russell Peters

2006-07-15T17:18:00.000+12:00

Russell Peters will open his New Zealand tour in a couple of hours, and I'm one of the lucky few to have a ticket to tonight's show. After having seen *that* video in 2004 and his act in New York City, it goes without saying that I'm expecting great things from him this evening (but I went ahead and said it anyway). For those of you who haven't already seen one of his acts (let's be honest here, perhaps wriggling out from under that rock should be top of your priorities then), he is an extremely talented stand-up comic who specialises in mimicry. Some of his impressions are absolutely spot-on. Unfortunately, the race-based schtick is also his biggest drawback, as he rarely seems to do any other form of comedy. Here's hoping that we see some new material tonight, and maybe even a few jokes that don't depend on people's races. I'll post a short review later tonight.

By the way, what's with that "I'm a comedian" pose? Do people not believe a guy is funny unless he pulls a funny face or shrugs his shoulders in the poster? That seems to be the criterion for comedic quality.

"Oh look, he's shrugging his shoulders - this guy's a quality comedian. I wonder if he'll be as good as the one with the rubber face."

Don't go by Russell's meek shoulder shrug. Trust me, he's funny.

And the award for original journalism goes to...

2006-07-14T16:38:00.000+12:00

The Hindustan Times, for their insightful photo essay titled "Vulgarity in football?".

In a brilliant start to the slideshow, the first caption reads:

Is there anything like censor board in American football??

You have to love the punctuation. Not one, but two question marks, indicating the profound philosophical implications of this question. Impeccable grammar, too - the good folks at HT are reinventing the English language every day (or should I say "This people is changing Angrezi every day, yaar!"?). To top off the carnage, the World Cup slideshow begins with a picture of a rugby league (not the same as American football) game.

It doesn't improve, either. What follows is a bunch of photos from the last World Cup, which wouldn't be so bad if the captions weren't so god-awful. Judging by the writing, it seems that "Take Our Kids To Work Day" has been taken a little too seriously by this paper. So, in the spirit of the occasion, let me ask:

Is there anything like editors in Hindustan Times???

Three question marks, because mine is more important.

Once again, for HT's future reference:

American Football

Rugby League

Also see:anything written by ToI (my personal favourite is this gem)

The myth of water bottles

2006-07-14T03:53:00.000+12:00

Amitava Kumar links to a story in the Economist about the need to learn from this event and push for some real changes. Here's an excerpt:

Rather than politicians who waste their time on the ‘moral threat’ of bar girls (imagine if Mr Patil had given a quarter of the time he spent on them to anticipating yesterday’s blasts), we need ones ready to focus on the real moral threat from Mumbai’s collapsing schools.

Rather than trying to parcel out mill lands between themselves, we need politicians willing to take radical steps to decongest the city — like maybe moving themselves to Navi Mumbai.

We need a city administration with the power to oversee and prosecute erring contractors without worrying about their political connections. We need a government that can persuade the Supreme Court to constitute a constitutional bench to relook at its terrible verdict giving sanction to communally-divided housing which is exacerbating the ghettoisation of this city.

We need all this to happen, and since it clearly won’t happen by itself, we need to fight for it, rather than just offering water bottles. Mumbai’s spirit is not in question, but rather than wallowing in it’s clichés, can we live up to the real potential it offers?

Read the full piece here.

The aftermath

2006-07-13T19:28:00.000+12:00

It has been almost two days since the first blast. Trains have resumed service, schools have remained open, and people are trying to move on with their lives. For many of them, life will never be the same again. Bombay has historically been regarded as a rough and rude city - a city without a heart, a place where one must fight for every inch of space, much like an embryonic New York. But over the last two days - like the city to which she is often compared - she has shown her softer side through the actions of her people. Long lines at blood banks, free food and water being handed to victims, strangers helping each other regardless of caste or creed - it is a reminder that for all the rough façade, Bombay is at its heart a sensitive, fragile city like any other.

And it is home.

Ten years - indeed ten lifetimes - in New Zealand or anywhere else will never change that, and I know others feel the same. That is why it is so hard to just sit here and write while others need help, yet it is all I can realistically do.

It is impossible to make sense of something like this - such acts are irrational and unjustifiable. It sends a chill down my spine to imagine how coldly the perpetrators must have planned every inch of this 'mission'. From all indications, this was a well-thought out manoeuvre. We don't yet know who did it, but we will find out soon enough. Whoever it is, I wish them a long life full of misery.

We can promise ourselves "We will never forget", as we have in the past, but we will forget - perhaps it is better that we do - and we will move on from this. We shall come back stronger than ever, but will we actually remember the lessons of July 11, 2006? We have forgotten Kashmir, and we have forgotten Delhi. We have long forgotten the Gateway of India bombings, and for all intents and purposes, 1993 was just a bad dream (Pakistan still harbours some of the masterminds behind that attack, most notably Dawood Ibrahim). We must keep our promise this time, and we must ensure there are no murders of innocents in the aftermath. In all likelihood, there will be no more violence. The riots in Bombay in '92/'93 were planned operations, not spontaneous reactions, and certain incendiary parties have shown restraint in similar situations in the past.

And what of justice? No punishment will be severe enough for those responsible. We shall have to find them first.

Blasts in Bombay

2006-07-12T10:23:00.000+12:00

Yet another cowardly act has left at least ~~163~~ ~~172~~ ~~179~~ ~~190~~ 200 people dead in Bombay, following bomb blasts in 7 railway stations - Mahim, Bandra, Matunga, Borivali, Mira Road, Jogeshwari and Khar - last night. There were two bombs in Borivali - one on the train and one in the station. I will update this as soon as I can. The figures are bound to rise, and we can only hope that they are not too high. The pricks attacked during rush hour, so that's all it is - hope. Check out a timeline of the blasts here, and more coverage here, here, and here. The BBC also has pictures up on their website. My condolences to those of you who have lost loved ones in this horrific attack.

More sources: Counter terrorism blog, MetroBlogging Mumbai

11:52 a.m. NZST: Intelligence sources say that Lashkar-e-Taiba and/or Dawood Ibrahim are behind the blasts (Source 1, Source 2). The manner of the attack certainly bears the hallmark of one of these two. I just hope that these events do not cause people to take up arms against innocent minorities, as they have in the past. The Shiv Sena in particular has been very quiet about the incident, and hopefully it will stay that way. Trains resumed operation last night, but the death toll continues to rise.

Gaurav Sabnis wrote:

A friend from the US tells me that the blasts are getting maximum coverage on CNN in USA. It seems like the US has finally woken up to the reality of terrorism in India. I was amused to read a few American bloggers write about the blasts as if terrorism has made a debut in India. They mean well of course. They just don't know that terrorism has been a problem in India for over 2 decades now. This is not Spain or Bali where terrorism just "arrived". We've been nursing the tapeworm in our bellies for ages.

Too right. We have had to deal with terrorism for far too long, from across the border and from home-grown terrorists like Dawood Ibrahim (who is routinely granted sanctuary in Pakistan and the UAE). You can therefore understand why I take the following comments, from Pakistan's Ministry of Foreign Affairs, with a pinch of salt:

"Pakistan strongly condemns the series of bomb blasts on commuter trains in Mumbai, India. This despicable act of terrorism has resulted in the loss of a large number of precious lives.
"The president and prime minister of Pakistan have also strongly condemned this terrorist attack and have expressed condolences over the loss of innocent lives.
"Terrorism is a bane of our times and it must be condemned, rejected and countered effectively and comprehensively."

That is not to say that Pakistan is behind the attacks, but one cannot ignore their role in previous operations aimed at disrupting the Indian Union.

12:15 p.m., NZST: Selma Mirza at MetroBlogging Mumbai has summed it up perfectly for all of us with her message to the terrorists who perpetrated this atrocity:

Whom were you trying to target? The working class men who struggle for an inch of space in local trains? The working women who knit and cut vegetables in trains on their way home? Young, dreamy students discussing exams and love? The babies accompanying their mothers, smiling back at the women around them?

Darkness is fast falling. Its raining like it will not stop. Will the rains wash away the blood? Will tomorrow be a new day. Here's to lost lifes and broken dreams.

12:23 p.m., NZST: With all the news focussing on Bombay, it is easy to forget the grenade attacks in Srinagar six hours earlier. It is likely that both attacks have been carried out by the same organisation. My condolences to the families of the deceased.

The Indian Express reports that the police are drawing up sketches of two suspects, while Ajit Doval - the former director of the Intelligence Bureau - is quoted as saying that over 25 people could be involved in the planning of the blasts, and that the operation was planned abroad.

12:44 p.m., NZST: Manish Vij points to alarming statistics that he posted on Sepia Mutiny last year:

Harper’s magazine, July 2005, reports a horrific statistic: 44% of fatal or wounding terrorist attacks last year took place in India, only 32% in Iraq. Israel isn’t even close, nor Sri Lanka.

Chilling figures. Perhaps there will be more international support for India's battle against terrorism following last night's events. For the past two decades, the international community have turned a blind eye and it is deeply saddening that it takes the deaths of so many to bring people around.

From all reports, Bombayites have once again pulled together and helped each other out in their time of need. BEST ran extra bus services through the night to aid those who had been stranded by the blasts, and the roads seem to have cleared. It may sound like a cliché, but in spite of all the devastation around them, the spirit of Bombayites is as strong as ever.

1:30 p.m., NZST: I'm going to sign off for a while. Please look through this Flickr photoset to see the extent of the damage (link via Global Voices).

I hope the terrorists rot in hell. Jai Hind.

5:00 p.m., NZST: More pictures can be found at the Times of India, Rediff, CNN-IBN and DNA. Suketu Mehta discussed the attacks with readers in the Washington Post.

To those who are keen on comparing 7/11 to 9/11, scroll down to the bottom of this article to get a crash course in what we have had to deal with since the turn of the century. And that's not even the half of it.

Cross-posted on Namita's blog.

Why didn't I think of that?

2006-07-11T20:05:00.000+12:00

Genius. Sheer genius. Who needs investment portfolios and bank loans when you have a red paper clip? I have a half-eaten chicken biryani. Anyone got a luxury jet they're not using? All replies on a postcard, please. This offer expires when the biryani does.

Bear with me

2006-07-11T19:29:00.000+12:00

My final bit of World Cup nostalgia. Some of my picks for the best goals of World Cup 2006:

Torsten Frings - Germany vs. Costa Rica

Esteban Cambiasso - Argentina vs. Serbia and Montenegro. Perhaps the best of the lot.

Carlos Tevez - Argentina vs. Serbia and Montenegro.

Fernando Torres - Spain vs. Ukraine. Great work by Puyol.

Bakari Kone - Ivory Coast vs. Netherlands.

Zied Jaziri - Tunisia vs. Saudi Arabia.

Joe Cole - England vs. Sweden.

Maxi Rodriguez - Argentina vs. Mexico.

Franck Ribery - France vs. Spain.

And of course, the most memorable moment - the moment that sparked the biggest show of televised man-love since, well, 1982 I guess:

Auf Wiedersehen und danke, Deutschland.