If you're desi and you know it clap your hands!

I would have expected this of Indian Airlines or Air India, but not Jet Airways. Shocking customer service.

God's foreign policy

From the New York Times:

He[Rev. John Hagee] called the conflict “a battle between good and evil” and said support for Israel was “God’s foreign policy.”

The next day he took the same message to the White House.

Many conservative Christians say they believe that the president’s support for Israel fulfills a biblical injunction to protect the Jewish state, which some of them think will play a pivotal role in the second coming. Many on the left, in turn, fear that such theology may influence decisions the administration makes toward Israel and the Middle East.

A biblical injunction, you say? Man, I guess those early Christians were reading it all wrong then, what with the burning and the massacres and all. They must feel pretty stupid right now.

Pardon this momentary lapse (updated)

Harp on all you want about our 8% annual GDP growth, but until we actively work towards preventing events such as these(1, 2), we may never make true progress. The first story garnered little interest in the mainstream media initially, but spread like wildfire through the blogosphere and eventually sparked a delayed response from the police.

The second story ended with the 8-year-old victim dying of excessive blood loss, while her attacker was spared the noose. The ToI report makes for a nauseating read:

...it had serious doubts about fastening the murder charge on the accused. "The death occurred not as a result of strangulation but because of excessive bleeding," the Bench said quoting the doctor’s report, which noted that at that age, a girl has two litres of blood in the body and as she had bled half-a-litre of blood, it was enough to cause death from shock.

"The death occurred, therefore, as a consequence of, and not because of, any specific act on the part of the accused," said Justice Sinha, writing the judgment.

And that is how a child rapist can escape the noose - by claiming the poor girl's blood loss was not his intention...only strangulation, which he ended up sucking at. And the last time I checked, the word "consequence" implies causation, so I'm not entirely sure what Justice Sinha - a Supreme Court Justice, no less - is trying to say here. And the next part, in a related report, is the final kick in the teeth for the deceased girl and her family:

The Bench said: "It cannot be said to be a rarest of rare case. The manner in which the girl was raped may be brutal but it could have been a momentary lapse on the part of Amrit Singh, seeing a lonely girl at a secluded place.

"He had no pre-meditation for commission of the offence. The offence may look heinous, but under no circumstances it can be said to be a rarest of rare case."

A momentary lapse. It may be the letter of the law, but surely there is no place for a "momentary lapse" when we are talking about an 8-year-old child being molested by a 30-year-old! That a Supreme Court Justice would even utter those words is shocking enough. If anything, the accused's propensity towards having such momentary lapses around minors should be enough to give him the death penalty.

One could argue that the death penalty may be too harsh, even for a child rapist, in which case it may be time to consider compulsory castration for offenders such as Amrit Singh. Cross-border terrorism and other, more perceivable threats may be of greater importance, but surely we cannot let our most helpless citizens - be they children, women, underprivileged groups, or all of the above - be exploited this way without some serious retribution.

Related: Another story of injustice, this time by the local panchayat in Murshidabad, near Calcutta. Who gives these kangaroo courts the right to separate families of victims? Not only was the poor woman raped, she was driven out of the village for her 'crime'. The local police have so far done nothing (via Narika's blog).

I recently had a discussion with a friend about the viability of the panchayat system in modern-day India, and an incident such as this just proves my point.

The luuurve boat

Rich and lonely? Too many uggos on Shaadi.com/Orkut/MySpace/Hi5/Friendster/Bebo? Perhaps you should consider a trip to China, where lonely millionaires are trying to find the brides of their dreams on a river cruise. However, if you're male and want to get on the Love Boat, as some literary mavericks have christened it, you must have at least US$25 million in assets. And it's only fair - rich people have had a hard life, and deserve a break once in a while, as this young(?) man explains:

"I often find pretty women on the street, but many of the women I meet in person are not the kind to win husbands...appearance is most important to me."

Well said, sir. As an engineer, I know all too well the paucity of hotties in the workplace, and I imagine it must be even tougher for you. It's hard enough being rich, with a fast car and a degree from an Ivy League school without having to actually talk to good-looking women on the street. Peasants such as myself, with our social skills and "co-ed schools", have had it far too easy for too long, and it's time someone did something about it! More power to you, sir. I truly hope you find the gold-digger of your dreams.

It's me brain, guv'nor!

As if the clinically depressed didn't have enough problems already - research suggests their brains might be a little out of whack.

A-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh...

Maybe it's the (lack of) sleep talking, or perhaps pre-exam stress, but I can't get over this singing hippo! Hee hee hee...look at him go!



Don't judge me.

Now THAT'S a business plan!

Dude, there's only so much harm the ganja can do. Personal injury and battery are not consequences of using marijuana - they are inflicted upon you when you get caught.

Honestly speaking, this is a great marketing strategy on Burger King's part. Feed the customers, but keep them loyal - the burger takes care of the first part, and the Mary Jane does the rest.

99.9% human, 0.1% animal, 100% pure entertainment

In a move that is sure to make conservatives choke on their morning coffees, scientists in Britain are awaiting the approval of a licence that will allow them to create hybrid human-animal embyros for stem cell research. Using human cells and animal eggs, the scientists will attempt to create a hybrid that is "99.9% human, and 0.1% animal". According to the article, the first animals to be used in the research will be cows.

Forget the ethics of the matter - I would love to see a human-cow hybrid. I'd name it Ruminator, and instruct it to use its powers for good, and occasionally evil (but mostly good....with minor bouts of evilness). The lawns will practically mow themselves and we'll never have to rush to the store for milk. It really is win-win, and if anyone tries to insult Ruminator by calling its mum a cow, it can just respond by saying "Yes. Yes she is", and proceeding to lay the smackdown on said offenders for the hell of it.

Unfortunately, none of these embryos will ever make it to the womb. Ruminator, sadly, will remain an unfulfilled dream.

The Test

Every so often there comes a story so laced with irony, dripping as it were with the sweet juices of the comedic staple, that it makes this humble blogger sit up and take notice. Not long ago the title of Most Ironic Event belonged to the Lions of Monotheism, who firebombed churches to protest the Pope's comments linking Islam and...violence. Today (well actually, two days ago), the torch is passed on to my desi brethren.

After finding the entrance test for the police force a mite challenging, several hundred applicants went on a rampage around Ghaziabad, thus ruining any chance they may have had of joining law enforcement any time soon. Politics, on the other hand, seems more enticing than ever for these eager public servants.

But what of the non-rioters? The pacifists who decided it would be better to lodge a complaint and go home? My guess is Ramu (I assume there is only one would-be police officer who doesn't love a good riot, and I have named him Ramu. If you have a problem with that, I know hundreds of Ghaziabadis willing to rampage through your town) went to the Commissioner's office - as you do - and aired his grievances.

Ramu: Sir please sir, I don't think the test was fair...

(a crash is heard as a rock breaks the Commissioner's window)

Crowd outside: Maro! Maro! Commissioner Sahib, hai hai!

Ramu: Is a re-evaluation at all possible?

The commissioner gets up, smiling. A small tear runs down his face. Meanwhile, the crowd continue to chant and throw stuff into the office.

Commissioner(hugging Ramu): That was the test, my boy. Welcome aboard.

(beat)

Commissioner: Now grab a uniform, some tear gas and a lathi. Those rioters aren't going to brutalise themselves.

Hey, it's only a guess.

Link found on The Acorn.

Naked naughty words

When Scott Adams vents, the world listens.

The Northern Lights

Beautiful.

Oh no he didn't!

With the ICC executive meeting just a few days away, Malcolm Speed's comments could not have been worse timed. The chief executive of cricket's governing body intensified the ongoing verbal battle between the ICC and the BCCI, criticising the BCCI's handling of its stakeholders as well as ridiculing the Indian cricket team's international record.

While his comments will no doubt be misconstrued in some quarters as an attack on India's national identity, Speed does make some pretty valid points - points that are painfully familiar to regular followers of Indian cricket. The Indian board's prioritisation of profit above all - even player welfare - is the world's worst-kept secret. India plays more one-dayers than any other side in the world, often in brutal conditions, such as the 2006 home series against England where both teams had to endure 44 degree heat in Jamshedpur.

And that's just the national team. Conditions for domestic players are worse, with the remuneration far removed from that of their more illustrious counterparts. Contrast that with the systems in Australia, New Zealand and England, where professional players are well taken care of by their state teams and practice facilities aren't nearly as scarce. The end result for Australia has been tremendous, but results should not be an issue when it comes to ensuring the health and safety of players, and that is why I wasn't surprised when Malcolm Speed said what everyone was thinking.

"I have an old-fashioned view," said Speed when asked if the BCCI were using their superior monetary position to flex their muscle. "I judge sports organisations on the basis of three things: 1. How the team performs. 2. How the board looks after its stake-holders in terms of facilities on the grounds, and 3. How well they use resources like population to produce great cricketers."

While I have no problem with point 2 (the facilities at most stadiums are atrocious and will need serious renovation before the 2011 World Cup), but points 1 and 3 seem to be a thinly-veiled effort to kick a team when they are down.

It's a fair assumption that a board can be judged by the performance of its team. The board appoints the coach and selectors who then pick a squad, therefore the onus is on them to produce a winning team. There have been cases in the past where fringe players have been selected on the flimsiest of criteria (see Noel David and the notorious Abhijit Kale case) and predictably failed. Here too it is an indication of the transparency of a cricket board and the fairness of their decisions.

However, not all team failures can directly be attributed to the board. Modern cricket involves loose chains of command, whereby the players are answerable to both the captain and the coach, who have considerable influence over who gets selected in subsequent games. While it is the board's prerogative to select a squad for a tournament, it has no say in picking the final XI, or at least it shouldn't. That is the job of the captain and coach, and it is they who should be responsible for the team's performances, be they good or bad. Unless a squad has been picked without the captain's approval - as was the norm under Sachin Tendulkar's tenure - he must bear the ultimate burden of the team's performance. Tracing a poor showing in a major event back to the board is almost absurd, given the inconsistency of the Indian team and the consistently poor infrastructure of the BCCI. If there is a correlation between the BCCI's treatment of its assets and the team's current form, surely there must have been a correlation between the team's fantastic run between 2002 and 2004 and the state of the BCCI then. As far as I remember, it was just as callous and just as poorly run then as it is now. And it was just as avaricious.

Point 3 seems innocent enough. It is a cricket board's duty to ensure maximised opportunities in the game for aspiring youngsters. This includes setting up affordable practice facilities and academies around the country, marketing the sport (which they are very good at), setting up an efficient scouting network, eliminating corruption from within the enterprise in order to ensure fair selections and above all, ensuring player welfare through decent salaries and housing. The BCCI fails to deliver on all counts except marketing the game - they have no equal there. Unfortunately, very little money from the coffers of the world's richest cricket board actually finds itself reinvested in infrastructure or player welfare. Most stadiums are still well below standard, barring the excellent PCA Stadium in Mohali. International cricketers may travel in luxury buses and live in five-star hotels while on tour, but their cricketing itinerary is amongst the most taxing in the world. Domestic cricketers, as mentioned earlier, live on scraps in the hopes of one day making it into the national side. So all in all, Malcolm Speed seemed to be doing well, until he said this:

"Let us look at New Zealand. They are in the semi-final of the Champions Trophy with a population of four million. They don't have a lot of money, but they are consistent. India last won a [ICC] cricketing event in 1983. I am very sure in 2007 it will be great if India win. It would mean that the power that India has, the population and booming economy, is being reflected in the performance of India. It helps to have money to do that, but it is not always necessary."

The population debate reared its ugly head once more. New Zealand's cricket board may not be overflowing with dollars, but it can hardly be described as cash-strapped. Being a small country and producing so many world-class athletes is indeed a major achievement, but to hold India, a developing nation, to the same standards as that of a developed nation seems a tad unfair. Firstly, sport is woven into the very fabric of Australian and New Zealand - most definitely not the case in India, where there is a greater focus on education. Moreover, New Zealand has excellent training facilities not just for its professionals, but also for the general public. If I wish, I can walk down to the nearest park at any time of the day and practice my bowling in the nets - an impossible scenario in India's major cities, where parks are hard to come by, let alone nets.

That is not to say India lacks top-class training facilities - it's just that the opportunity cost of being able to use them is far higher than it would be in New Zealand, which is why fewer children (as a proportion of the population) join cricket clubs. Breeding a sporting culture is essential to a country's sporting success, and India still lacks that on a large scale. If anything, that makes the efforts of India's sportspeople even more commendable. They managed to rise in spite of the system, not because of it, often for scant reward. Given the infrastructure, Indian sport could finally tap into its vast resource of sportspeople and come to dominate international sport. Unfortunately such a scenario will remain a pipe dream for at least the forseeable future. In the meantime, population cannot be seen as a determining factor when comparing the sporting results of two nations, especially those as disparate as India and New Zealand. If anything, cultural factors and infrastructure have a far greater bearing than population.

Pointing to India's World Cup victory in 1983 seems to me to be a cheap shot. Not only is it a faulty comparison between the two nations, it also serves to belittle the team's performances since that day. Two semi-finals and one final in the World Cup since 1983 as well as a resurgence in both the Test and one-day arenas seem to be conveniently cast aside, in favour of New Zealand's record, which Speed described as 'consistent'. New Zealand's only real consistency since 1983 has been in failing to win a single major event barring the Champions Trophy in 2000. Maybe that's an unfair assessment - New Zealand's performances have consistently been far above what most people expected, but Speed's comments are simply ridiculous. India may be an inconsistent team, but that does not necessarily reflect on the BCCI. For all their inconsistency, they have won far more major honours than New Zealand in the same time period, and remain a formidable side in spite of their horrendous recent form.

Malcolm Speed may have just incited the wrath of not just the BCCI, but also the Indian public. It's rather unfortunate, because he raises some questions that we ourselves should have put forth to the board, but by resorting to cheap baiting he may have just shot himself in the foot. The stage is set for one of the most tense ICC executive meetings ever. Guy Fawke's Day will most definitely deliver on the fireworks this year.

Welcome to Bengaluru

As of today, Bangalore no longer exists, after the city's name has been changed to Bengaluru. Nothing major here - India's cities have been changing their names regularly for the last 10 years. Bombay became (shudder) Mumbai, Madras became Chennai and Calcutta became Kolkata. However, while previous name changes represented an anti-colonial backlash, this one has taken place with a view toward tourism. That is, if you believe the Karnataka Home Minister, M P Prakash, who said:

"English people could not pronounce it properly, we want to correct these things. By November 1 such orders will be given and hereafter, it will be known as Bengaluru..."

Now I don't mean to be a wet blanket here, but how exactly will our Western cousins find "Bengaluru" easier to say than "Bangalore"? They're having enough trouble with our first names - let's not burden them with tongue-twisting cities! It was great fun watching them struggle to book tickets to Vishakhapatnam, Thiruvanathapuram and Vadodara (which we still call Baroda when their backs are turned), but the joke's wearing thin now. Can we quit wasting taxpayers' money on such fatuous pursuits and actually invest it back into society? State governments have been so infatuated with their hopelessly rose-tinted notions of pre-colonial India that they seem to think nothing of spending crores of rupees debating and eventually implementing name changes. There's no end in sight either, with Mangalore, Belgaum and others also renamed today.

Iraqi insurgents focussed on the mid-term elections

Dick Cheney reckons the increase in attacks in Iraq is an attempt by insurgents to "break the will of the American people" and influence the outcome of the mid-term elections. The BBC reports:

Pentagon spokesman Eric Ruff has echoed the vice-president, saying that the militants are trying to "increase opposition to the war and have an influence against the president".

To be fair, they don't really have to try too hard. The CIA and White House are doing a fine job of that, thank you very much. But Dick Cheney sees no reason not to remain alert to the dangers posed by these propaganda-propagating, jihad-encouraging, mid-term-following insurgents (seriously? The mid-terms? Have some pride, guys!). In fact, with the proliferation of the internet, the threat has grown.

"There isn't anything that's on the internet that's not accessible to them. They're on it all the time. They're very sophisticated users of it," Mr Cheney said.

Leaving aside the fact that Cheney didn't provide any evidence to back up his statement, I wouldn't be too worried about it. Being on the internet all the time can mean only one thing - a porn addiction (relax - the link is safe). And being a 'sophisticated' user just means they know where to find the good porn. Maybe we can get Ted Stevens to explain the nuances of the Internet to Dead Eye Dick. I'm sure the insurgents are already familiar with Stevens' Laws of Tubes.

Seriously though, how sophisticated do you need to be to use Google? And where have I heard these comments before? Oh right.

KFC, now with 10% less death

KFC will stop using trans-fatty acids in its food from next April. That's great, but their chicken will still taste vile. Eleven herbs and spices my ass (unless you count flour and oil as a spice). Besides, I don't think health nuts will be making a beeline for KFC on the back of this bold health drive any time soon. As far as the 300+ pound demographic is concerned, if trans-fatty acids didn't matter before, they sure as hell ain't gonna matter now.

Ah, democracy

How bad do you have to be to lose an election to a dead person? John Ashcroft lost his US Senate seat to the late Mel Carnahan in 2000, and now Katherine Dunton has been re-elected to the Aleutian Region School District board, 28 days after dying of cancer. Dunton ended up retaining her seat on a coin toss, after her opponent called incorrectly. This was in accordance with State law, as both candidates ended up with 19 votes, although I wonder what would have happened if the law said the incumbent had to call the toss.

Morons

In what can only be described as a collective brainwave, district authorities in Meerut, Karnal and Sahranpur have demanded that cellular operators shut down all mobile services on exam and election days in an attempt to prevent cheating. Perhaps someone needs to introduce these good folks to the wonders of cell phone detection.

Link via India Uncut.