The devil is in...the streetwear

Hoo boy. If you thought Jesus Priest was bizarre, check this out - a priest in Vrindavan has been sacked for dressing an idol of Krishna in a T-shirt and jeans, and replacing his flute with a toy mobile phone. To top off the wardrobe reshuffle, Krishna sported sunglasses (possibly imported - details on the sunglasses are sketchy at best), presumably to shield his eyes from the Sun, or to impress his harem. Clearly they had grown tired of his childlike eyes and musical talents over the last 5000 years.

Naturally, as is the case with all things God, there was a roar of righteous indignation heard right through the State against the priest - Jugal Goswami - and his actions. Burned effigies, clichéd chants, closed shops - these protesters were no mugs. Their anger was well justified too - how dare this blasphemous priest deny us the chance to see our Lord in all his topless, dhoti-fied glory? It's an outrage, I tell you! SP Unit Chief Ballabh Bhandari thinks so too

"Dressing up the Lord Krishna idol in T-shirt, jeans and making it hold a mobile phone in his hand is against the tenets of Hinduism and the act has hurt the sentiments of devotees across the country"

Do these priests not read? It's right there in Kanda I, Prapathaka III of the Yajur Veda - "Thou shalt not dress the Lord in jeans, nor the Shirt of the Tee, but a classy suit will be fine. Sunglasses must be Ray Ban only, and try to get a good mobile plan that gives Him plenty of free minutes...Svaha!"

I cried myself to sleep last night - does Jugal Goswami care? I can barely look at my Lord without imagining a large "I'm with Stupid" shirt straddling his shoulders.

Seriously though - does anyone else see the awesomeness of this situation? Finally Hinduism has a figure to match Buddy Jesus (just in case you were wondering what the deal was with the picture at the top) for coolness. Speaking of cool, I wonder how Krishna would use his new-found phone. Here's a blogger's impression:

Krishna: Abbe oye Radha! Apun Dwarka jarelai elec-son ladne ke liye. Chal jaldi apun ko pappi dey!

Too blasphemous? I would translate the above text, but it would lose its Mithunian effect. Still, moving back to the matter at hand, it appears people's sensitivities have led them to make mountains out of molehills yet again. Vijay Bahadur, BJP politician, is a case in point.

"Hindus, already under attack from various forces, are aghast to discover an enemy within."

With all due respect, if playing dress-up is tantamount to religious treachery, little girls everywhere better watch out, because Vijay Bahadur is on the case and coming after you! What surprises me is that I was wrong about Krishna all along. You see, I used to believe it was his teachings that were important, and his dress code was just a sign of his times - he would have dressed differently in a different era. How wrong I was. It was once said that clothes make the man - I suppose this is true of deities too. How am I supposed to believe Krishna's teachings if he looks just like me? His toplessness and blueness serve to signify his superiority, especially in the winter months, because as far as I can remember, I have never once seen Krishna in a woollen jacket. It's topless or nothing.

This controversy has had far-reaching effects - not least in the nearby city of Varanasi, where devotees dressed in shorts were banned from entering the Kashi Vishwanath temple. Said policeman Jogesh Tiwari:

“The temple is also for women. How can a woman stand and pray if she sees semi-naked men hovering around?”

You see...it's for the ladies' own well-being. How could I have been so insensitive? Just one question though - isn't the Kashi Vishwanath temple essentially home to a phallic object (the lingam)? I have nothing against worshipping the male form (I worship myself in the mirror regularly), but surely if you can keep a straight face in front of a phallus, what harm can an exposed leg do?

To paraphrase Chris Rock, I highly doubt my fashion choices are going to determine my fate after death. I can imagine approaching the Pearly Gates (or the Reincarnation Station for us Hindus) in a pink polo, shorts and grillz, only to be told by whoever's in charge (with a major lisp) :

"Oooh, that just won't do! Pink only went out, like five decades ago honey! We're going to have to get you into something a little more 'here and now' and a little less 'fashion crisis'. And why the grillz? You have a wonderful smile, let people see it! I'm sorry sweetheart, I'll have to send you to fashion prison for a while - have you heard of the Fab Five?"

Again, let me remind you, St. Peter (or whoever is manning the station at the time) will say the above with a MASSIVE lisp, and perhaps a limp wrist. Point is, I'm going to Hindu Fashion Hell.

That just about wraps up another segment on religion bashing. I have so far offended Muslims (population: 1.4 billion), Hindus (population: 900 million) and Jehovah's Witnesses (3 men and a dog). Check in next time to see who I rant about next. It might be you.